It’s Shameful and Dangerous. Time to Stop the Shaming.

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June 8, 2015 by gregrabidoux2013

 

shaming girl pic

Izabel, gone too soon. Doesn’t matter why the shaming was done, it was done.

The shaming needs to stop.

In what is sadly, fast becoming a new and lamentable trend, more and more parents are taking to the internet in an attempt to “shame” their kids into better behavior and ostensibly, wiser choices.

Regardless of the intent, it’s wrong, it’s a shame and it needs to stop.

The latest parenting by shaming involved a young 13 year-old girl named Izabel Laxamana whose father filmed himself cutting her long, black hair (a source of much pride to the girl) as a punishment for her “getting messed up.” The clip was then uploaded to Youtube where she was then mocked and teased by schoolmates.

The rest of the story is simply tragic. Izabel threw herself off a bridge in Tacoma, Washington not far from her family home. She landed with such force on a car being driven by Chelci Trulos, a mother of two, that both the front and back windshields shattered. It is an image that will haunt Trulos for years and a trend that should haunt all of us who care about the messages being sent to young kids everywhere.

A 14 year-old nearly dies from a suicide attempt in NJ just hours after being “shamed” on Facebook for not cleaning his room. A 12 year-old who was “shamed” for getting a bad grade on a math quiz overdoses and if not for sheer, random luck, gets medical care literally just moments before his heart would have given out.

shaming teen pic

Look, being a parent is tough. It’s often thankless and “tweens” and teens can be trying. Okay, they can be like enduring a 20 mile marathon before you have a morning cup of coffee and you’ve already said “enough with the video-games” about 100 times.

But, as the saying goes, “Kids, you gotta love ’em.

Not shame them, But love them.

Shaming hurts at any age under any circumstances. Not long ago, the comedian-actor, Jay Mohr, publicly shamed actress Alyssa Milano for her weight gain. He didn’t have the courtesy to talk to her directly of course. He used that wonderful tool of worldwide shaming, the internet. He tweeted how fat she had got, what happened to the chick he saw in “Charmed,” he wondered out loud for all the world to hear.

To her credit, Ms. Milano responded that she was in fact, “shamed” and that for Jay to please say Hello to his lovely wife.

The tweeting nation, not to mention the loyal tribe of Team Alyssa struck back at Mr. Mohr with a slew of nasty, hyperbolic tweets of their own. Apparently, Jay’s wife even said that he was a jerk. He tweeted an apology and Milano went on with her life though she may yet cast a witchy curse on him that she picked up from her “Charm” days.

shaming alyssa milano

Shaming Alyssa Milano? Seriously? Shame on you Jay.

But here’s the point. She is a mature adult with at least the experience of being in the limelight from her chosen profession and from being scrutinized by fans, critics and the paparazzi for her celebrity status. Being criticized and shamed still hurts but you have tools to fight back and in her case, fame, loyal fans (count me as one) and wealth to soothe the wounds.

Kids don’t.

Pride, their developing sense of self, their confusion over who they are and the regrettable but undeniable power of what their peers say, do and think all add up to a certain vulnerability that makes being shamed utterly traumatic.

Suicide has many causes and the experts tell us that their is often deep and profound wounds that may be triggered by even the slightest of slights.

Does it mean you can’t be a parent? You can’t discipline for fear that your child will choose something fatal as a response?

Of course not. But the next time any parent gets the urge to upload something on Facebook or Youtube how about loudly sharing with the whole world to see how much your child is loved and valued?

Keep the disciplining private.

Shout out how much you love your child for the whole world to see, hear and touch.

Shame on any of us who think this newest, hurtful form of parenting makes any kind of sense.

It doesn’t.

And it needs to stop. Now.

shaming stop sign

before it’s too late.

After the tiger there are a couple of links you may want to check out on keeping teens healthy without the shaming.

bengal-tiger-why-matter_7341043

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/suicideprevention.aspx

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/10-parenting-tips-for-raising-teenagers

 

 

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96 thoughts on “It’s Shameful and Dangerous. Time to Stop the Shaming.

  1. Thomas R. says:

    Shaming and public shaming is not good parenting.

    This is not parenting, yet shaming should not lead to suicide in anyone. Lets look at the larger picture of the entitlement mentality, the wilting flower behavior that leads teens and adults for that matter to feel that they must kill themselves over an online post. Is the need for actualization of personal worth so tied to the internet that this wrong cannot be overcome? Where is the resiliency that were hallmarks of previous generations of Americans? Have we as a people become so tender hearted that a hurtful action makes us want to die and no longer angers us?

    While we would all be greatly hurt by the actions listed by Dr. Rabidoux many have lived through similar instances in our own lives. Parents and former friends telling us that we are worthless, that we should just kill ourselves, selling our prized possessions as punishment and other equally horrible actions. Public shaming especially by our peers is a long occurring fact of our collective childhood experience. Have we as a nation changed our character to the point in which we can no longer suffer the slings and arrows of our peers verbal abuse?

    The question that we must find the answer to is what is different, is it the eternal shame that the online community brings, is it the lack of previous disappointments in the lives of these young people or is it something entirely different due to the youth of today aligning their personal worth to their online identity? The reliance and the change in the manner in which youth and an increasing number of adults view themselves through the lens of social media and online profiles needs to be understood to properly develop well rounded children as a parent. Disappointment is a fact of life and we must prepare our children to be able to handle the disappointment that failure will bring. This by no means is a show of support for publicly shaming your children, just a question of the nature of the American child of 2015.

    I ask each of you for your opinions on this matter as we must come to a resolute and unified way ahead to affect any change in this matter as a people.

    • Lorraine D says:

      When we were at that age, at least myself, social media wasn’t as rampant as it is today. Teens today have a greater level of embarrassment than I did. Yes, children should not feeling the need to end their lives when it comes to things of this nature, but every child is different. Also it is the job of the parent to build their self esteem, and its of no surprise to me that if parents would resort to measures like this that the child would feel like this. Its different getting teased by a peer, but when it is your own father you feel like garbage. Children that age are always going to be more sensitive to outside opinions and pressures. Yes, we shouldn’t view ourselves through the lense of social media, addressing this identity issue will take more time. What can be addressed now is poor parenting. Parents should follow foolish trends and in no way do i see this action as loving or even correcting poor behavior. Its just cruel. If parents spent more time learning better communication skills so they could talk to their pre-teens instead of looking at social media themselves we would have less of these horrific situations.

      • Lexis L says:

        I completely agree with your response. Social media has gotten out of hands these days. I also agree that communication between a child and a parent is super important. The relationship between a child and parent should be a good bond, not someone that would push you to want to commit suicide by shaming their flaws online.

  2. jatvsu says:

    While the shaming alone could lead to someone committing suicide, the problem goes deeper than resiliency and tender-heartedness (although I do agree to an extent that so many people are much more sensitive because society in general has gone to great lengths to protect their poor little egos with the “everyone is special” and “everyone’s a winner” ridiculousness and everyone getting a participation ribbon…but that’s another rant). While I certainly don’t condone the shaming, the problem with these suicidal and other sad situations is that parents, peers, and society in general shame people on social media platforms. The access to the shaming is exponential, whether it’s through followers or shares. It’s no longer private.

    A friend of mine is constantly criticized by her parents. I’ve also watched her do the same to her own child, criticizing her weight for example. Because it’s in person and not on social media doesn’t make it any less excusable. However, when a parent or peer shames a child (or an adult for that matter) on social media, the world has instant access to it.

    Before my Instagram account was private, I posted an innocent but silly picture of my daughter posing for the camera. One of her classmates was following me–unbeknownst to me–and my daughter told me a few days later that her classmate was showing the picture to peers at school. I blocked the follower, did the same for others I didn’t know well, and changed my settings to private.

    Look, kids are mean. And Tweens and teens can be ruthless. There’s a reason movies about cyber bullies exist. It’s a real phenomenon. People are getting hit from all proverbial sides. Should they “suck it up”? Sure. It’s not that easy though when the tormenting comes from social media and people they encounter every day. And then toss in a loved one whom we believe loves us unconditionally sending that message, and it’s too much for some to handle.

    Should we all have thicker skin? Sure. Is it reality? No. Should we teach our kids that suicide isn’t a way out? Absolutely. Will that stop it? Not likely.

    In the end, it comes down to basic social graces: don’t air someone’s dirty laundry in public. Especially parents. It’s not cute.

    • Lexis L says:

      I enjoyed reading your perspective on this topic. The examples you provided were very touching. There’s a difference between “tough love” and just being straight up mean.

  3. Kelsey G says:

    This article was to some extent hard for me to read. Though I am not a parent I understand all parents have different ways of disciplining their children or ways to teach them a lesson. Some parents are very subtle and others are not. The stories above had a very sad ending but we cannot just look at the parents as the person to fault. Though I do not agree with what the parents did some children do not understand right from wrong until you do things that are out of the ordinary. This form of punishment has to be very hard for a child emotionally, it effected me so I can only imagine how the child felt. With children being so cruel and harsh at school parents/ adults should not be putting on more shame or hurtfulness when they should be the people defending the child. I think that there could have been many different ways to handle this situation and the outcome would have been very different.

    • dedric l says:

      Great post. I can only imagine what it is like to have a child being shamed in front of the world. It’s a different world from the world that I grew up. I am often concerned about the world my children may one day face. I just hope to shield them from as much as possible, but also teach them that this is reality.

    • Jill V says:

      Kelsey, you make a very good point. While some parents might have to go that extra mile to get their kids to understand, shaming such as this was not the way. I agree, kids go through so much more hatred and cruelty at school these days then when we were growing up. It’s sad how much anger some of these kids display at such young ages.

      I think in today’s world, parents definitely need to spend more time with their kids and help them get through though situations that they may be confronted with from time to time. It’s the parent’s job to direct and guide their kids, not to destroy them mentality with shame. Be there for them…

  4. Horace says:

    The ease of 140 characters and the lure of Youtube and Facebook for quick, easy fame has contributed to the “lack of parenting” skills. We as parents have forgotten how much we revered what our parent thought of us and how much we deeply valued their opinions. We have also forgotten how much the acceptance of and from our peers mattered, especially in our teenage years. I know friends who skipped school because they had a pimple! With today’s social media, you can multiply that need for acceptance a thousand fold.

    I agree that we have gotten soft and the entitlement mentality has permeated deep in our society but we still have to be cognizant and mindful of the fragile make-up of the mentality of teenagers. Teenage years are sandwiched between childhood and adulthood and they (teenagers) can be somewhat lost while trying to figure out a lot of things about life, society, and themselves.

    The pressure to fit in amongst their peers is already much and they need us for support not to exacerbate their crisis. Shaming is one thing when it’s done at home amongst loved ones with an explanation of the punishment. Shaming in public, especially on social media where the world is privy to the embarrassment may injure the already fragile psyche of the teenager. Some may be able to withstand the virtual onslaught and some may not so I say let’s do it the old fashioned way – keep some things within the family and stop the internet shaming.

    • Dedric I says:

      Great post! One day when i am a parent, i hope i will be about to raise my child very well without outsiders intruding. How things are now deals a lot with society and the social media.

  5. Horace says:

    The ease of 140 characters and the lure of Youtube and Facebook fame is slowly robbing us of our parenting skills. We as parents have forgotten how much, as teenagers, we revered our parents opinion and how we craved to make them proud of us. We also tend to have forgotten how much the acceptance of and from our peers meant to us. I know a couple of my friends who skipped school because they had a pimple! In this social media age, you can multiply that need for acceptance a hundred fold.

    I understand that the talk about society getting softer and the need to shed the entitlement mentality which has permeated our society but we have to be cognizant and mindful of the fragile mentality of the teenager. Teenage years are sandwiched between childhood and adulthood and they (teenagers) are trying to figure out a lot of things about society, themselves and the world around them while trying to fit in amongst their peers.

    Shaming at home where the child is surrounded by love is one thing but shaming online where the whole world is privy to the embarrassment can damage the teenager’s already fragile psyche. With so much negative outcomes of this online shaming trend, we need to go back to the tried and proven old fashioned way – keep the discipline within the family and save the children.

    • Lexis L says:

      Great response! I like how you ended your post. I agree that the discipline should stay within the family. It does not need to be broadcasted all over the internet and social medial networks for everyone to see. The discipline should be handled in a home setting where the child can still feel safe in the environment, while learning the consequences of their actions. It is critical to handle discipline the proper way. It really seems that society is playing a major factor in how we handle personal issues. Hopefully the shaming will come to an end!

  6. Chris R says:

    While internet shaming is a problem in and of itself, this is further complicated by the effect it has taken on common parenting. Personally I believe that parenting should not involve the public. The concept of drawing others into a private manner, even as spectators, does not create a learning experience as much as it does shift experience towards just processing regret and shame.

    I am not sure of how the parental movement for public shaming as punishment started. Is this an evolution from the pet shaming viral movement. Taking that idea, and applying it to a child who is aware of what is happening and developing in how to process that attention simply doesn’t translate into equating the two. Children already cope with public shaming from their peer group. Adding unknown individuals and their family, who is supposed to be a support system, only can lead to damaging consequences.

    Some of the viral parental shaming incidents I have seen included having to stand on the street corner with a sign and a barber who will give bad haircuts to kids who misbehave as a punishment for their parents. I think that the barber example sums up my feelings on this sad and frankly horrible trend: It is not only that an individual is parenting right or wrong, they are recruiting the public to do it in ways that only make someone insecure. I full heartedly agree that children need to be punished. I myself was punished when I stepped out of line. But punishment, especially with children, isn’t to be a public performance in humiliation; it is a learning experience between a parent and a child that the child should be able to walk away from, not necessarily happy but understanding the circumstances and possible repercussions of whatever he or she did.

    • callen m says:

      Great post! I couldn’t agree more with you on the idea that parenting should not involve the public. The evolution of social media has created a world where people feel they should share every aspect of their lives. Kids already face enough issues and peer pressure at school I see no reason for a parent to give more reasons for them to become a viral laughingstock.

  7. Michelle E says:

    Humiliating a child is not parenting. Posting this repulsive behavior is an indication that the parent was seeking to publicly re-assert his superiority over his daughter. Unfortunately, the young lady felt she had only one card left to play to re-gain control over her life and send a message that she would not be submissive. Tragic. A child’s home (and family) should be a safe haven. Are there teens that need reigned in and reminded of their inexperience and immaturity? Of course. And, difficult situations often cause parents to make poor choices out of anger, frustration and FEAR. The decision to carry this to the next level (by posting) was not an impulsive act. It was a deliberate and (I believe) criminal act of bullying that should be treated as such.

    • Thomas R. says:

      Michelle,

      While we are all in agreement that public shaming of children is poor parenting I do not agree with your assessment of criminal action. What in this instance should be considered a criminal act? When the custodial parent cut her hair as punishment for her breaking the law, or when he put a video of this “discipline” online. Is it only criminal because the child killed her self in result?

      Also please define what and where a bullying behavior becomes criminal for us all. Would this public shaming have been criminal in nature if the father had taken his daughter to a public salon and had them cut her hair off, or would that just be a mean thing to do that did not rise to the level of a criminal act?

      My point is this, while behaviors can often be viewed as undesirable the idea that everything is Monday morning quarterbacked into criminal behavior is part of our problem. The world is a mean though place and we do our children a disservice if we shelter them from all disappointment, failure, and consequence. The shaming was to much yet consequences for the girls criminal behavior (Underage Drinking) were necessary to attempt to bring this young girl into control. The fact she felt that she needed to regain control of her life as you say at 13 is the problem. At 13 you do not have control of your life your parents do. Had she understood that fact she might still be with us.

      • Richard B. says:

        I agree with Thomas and think an argument might be made that over-criminalization of parental discipline may be partially responsible as it has removed so many harmless tools from the parenting play book that some parents may foolishly think that public shaming is the only thing they have left. In two recent cases in our city, mothers were arrested for 1) allowing an 11 year old to play at the park across the street unsupervised and 2) making a 14 year old who missed curfew sleep outside on the patio. These may not be optimal parenting decisions but are they really criminal? It seems to me that parents need to set the example of not bullying so their children will not be bullies but accept that the exposure to bulling that allows a child to develop coping mechanisms to bullying seems an essential part of social existence. I don’t yet have teenagers and my lack of interest in social media will preclude social shaming of this sort, I just hope raising my voice is not illegal by then.

      • Thomas R. says:

        Richard,

        Thank you for stating exactly what I feel that the national dialog on these matter is missing. These suicides while tragic are a systemic result of generation that is unable to deal with the realities of life outside of the protective bubble.

        “It seems to me that parents need to set the example of not bullying so their children will not be bullies but accept that the exposure to bulling that allows a child to develop coping mechanisms to bullying seems an essential part of social existence.”

        This is the basis of the problems we are experiencing in our culture today, in that we have all forgotten the lessons we learned not just about life but about ourselves in our developmental years. Friends and enemies of our youth shape us and mold us into the resilient adults that are capable of dealing with the heavy burden of life’s trials.

        Life is not always nice, everyone will not like you, and some people will go out of their way to prevent you from succeeding. These are the hard lessons withheld from the current generation due to the removal of failure in their lives. I fear that preventing regular social interaction of a peer group creates a young adult unable to deal with the disappointments of life. We must monitor children and adults behaviors yet not interview nor criminalize behavior just because it’s not nice.

        What we should be trying to teach our children I this “life’s hard; it’s even harder when you’re stupid” John Wayne.

        So when something does not go your way, learn from it, and move on as the person or thing that hurt you will not dwell on it. Therefore, neither should you.

  8. Fransiska S says:

    Many school age kids are faced with a lot of criticism from their peers. Many parents have forgotten how hard school is. I currently work in a school and have to discipline kids for name calling and playing jokes on their peers. Some of the kids calling this playing with each other; however, kids forgets how hurtful words can be. Parents should be people that love their kids and are willing to help one another. Parents need to work towards making their kids feel safe and happy. There are many different ways to discipline kids but shaking them should not be one. We have seen in places such as Pakastain and Africa that shaming leads towards kids planning sucide I order to not face the embarrassment. Maybe we should try scare them straight tatics.

  9. Joshlyn D says:

    Wow. After reading the blog post I was shocked and lost for words. It is absolutely sad how the Internet has taken over society so negatively. Its no longer a place to research, shop and keep in touch with family in other places, but has become a lethal weapon. The stories mentioned in the post truly touched my heart and made me become more aware and appreciative of the wonderful parents I was blessed to have. After reading, to me shaming is just another form of bullying. And it doesn’t matter the age or the form bulling is bullying and it is wrong.

    Kids have it hard already with peers their own age teasing and taunting them, now their parents. What has the world come to? Shaming should not be a form of discipline. There are other ways to getting your parental message across. Place your kids in time out, have them to do community service, take away their more prize possessions for a period of time or even result to the good old’ spanking, but don’t belittle them by uploading a video for the entire world to see.

    Parents are supposed to lead by example. They are supposed to provide tender love and care to their children while proving guidance. Kids will be kids and sometimes they can get out of hand, but as parents we are suppose to be able to handle the task at hand effectively, efficiently and ethically. Bless the souls of the lives that were lost due to shaming for it should have never become a fad.

    • Lorraine D says:

      I agree I am so grateful for my mother who took the time to raise me and consider my feelings! Social media is ruining our families and any videos involving children in this nature should be banned immediately. This is a new form of child abuse. Children already deal with so much teasing from their peers, I remember how hard it was for me at that age and how much I was unsure about myself. Sometimes i hated school and needed to be loved by my family so I could rebuild my self confidence. Children at this pivotal age do not need to be treated like this by their parents! I could imagine suicide rates at this age are very high due to the pressures of peers.

  10. dedric l says:

    Shaming is very dangerous and it’s sad and pathetic. I would be horrified if I had shamed any individual into committing suicide. Today it’s common to find a lot of people attempting to gain attention of the public via internet. It’s a not a bad thing depending on what kind of attention one seeks. When I was younger, my classmates said a lot of things about me and there were many things that my parents’ did not agree with when I was out of line. Though they never once attempted to publicly shame me. We believe in a personal system that has worked for a long time. Keep your problems in the garage. We can talk about them in the home, but keep them in the garage. Maybe parents’ have to come up with a better system to help their children develop and grow. Take out the television and allow limited access to computers, smart phones, music, etc. We have not had a television in the home since I was a kid and now that I am an adult, I don’t even own one. It’s a bit difficult to speak on children because I don’t have any, so I think it would be unfair to say what parents’ should do in their own home. They often know their kids better than anyone else. I can say it’s important to shield them from outsiders. It’s wrong to shame because it can lead to the worst situations.

    • Lorraine D says:

      I agree that its so pathetic! When I was younger I would get grounded or lose television privileges. My mother knew exactly how to hurt my feelings without harming me physically. I have no idea where this trend came from or why it is so popular. Parenting is definitely rough, but we need to be careful about what methods we try to use on our children. We need to care about the well being of children and discipline them constructively.

  11. Lorraine D says:

    I think this trend is ridiculous and should be punishable under law as child abuse. It is senseless and is another form of bullying. What are parents thinking when they follow foolish trends? it is understandable that we are disappointed by the actions of our children, but we need to discover ways that discipline them and build them up at the same time. parents should not be bullies! An old fashioned spanking never killed anyone. We as a generation already know how serious cyber bullying is in our nation. Children can be bullied all day at school and then at home only to be bullied more at school. We must do better! Hopefully this will be spoken about on the news to warn parents from making the same foolish mistake. parents should learn how to better communicate with there children. I have seen a plethora of these videos and i think it is appalling how these parents act on camera. Why would this father do this to his daughter? Girls her age are already so fragile in self esteem. If children have drug problems it is time to sit down and have a talk about the dangers of drugs. Often times parents ignore children and try to parent after something has went wrong. We need to encourage greater relationships with our children and not look to social media for parenting skills.

    • Gilbert W says:

      Lorraine, I love your statement that an “old fashioned spanking never killed anyone.” There are certainly those out there who will be appalled by your statement and indignantly reply that spanking is abuse. I, however, feel that if more parents set their kids on the right path early, corrected their path immediately when needed, and used a firmer hand in doing so (with spanking if necessary), we’d have many fewer problems with our youth, and generally a much more respectful youth culture.

    • Fran B says:

      Lorraine, Gilbert-Really? You both love “an old-fashioned spanking.”…you mean violence, right. You mean hitting a child, right? You mean showing them that the answer is violence and giving pain is an adult and right thing to do, right? A few years ago, I lead a family therapy session for families that had dealt with domestic abuse. And a man, a man, mind you, age 45 sitting next to his mother was talking about the impact of violence from his estranged father on his mother on the family, And then out of nowhere he sais, “I mean, when Mom spanked us she meant it for our benefit, I know she loved us (pause) but it hurt, I mean it still hurts (pause) I guess it was just your way, but, but…I never hit my children because of that (struggling pause-tears) you know Mom it was wrong of both you and dad to hit. Violence is never the answer.
      Spare me the nostalgia and warm feelings of a “good, ol fashioned spanking.” The child doesn’t remember why or that you did it out of “love,” they remember you hit them, that their self-esteem was crushed and that violence must be OK.
      I was never spanked but listened to my parents because I knew they loved me AND knew what was best AND didn’t hit me to show some point.
      Take your spankings and go back to the stone ages.

      • Thomas R. says:

        Fran, Really

        You did exactly what Gilbert said someone would do. You as Lorraine and Gilbert are entitled to have an equally valid opinion on this matter. Spanking is not the answer and not spanking is also not the answer. The most important factor is the people involved and how they communicate and learn. While children do not feel the love when they are spanked, they learn through negative reinforcement that the behavior that led to their spanking results in pain. This in time if applied equally results in at least acceptance of the rules. Spanking does not mean beating nor abusing, it means a physical application of correction that should not be used to result in injury. Additionally spanking is only effective on small children as once they are of adolescent age it is to late to change their behavior in this manner and often results in abuse. What is important is constant, metered, controlled discipline to develop children into responsible adults.

      • Fran B says:

        Thomas R., actually I didn’t…you are I presume an adult, not a vulnerable kid, and your “a physical correction” with no intended result in injury or some other absolutely misguided, ignorant and uninformed babble. My goodness, where have you been the last oh, 25 years or so with informed and educated research on this issue?https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201309/research-spanking-it-s-bad-all-kids??
        And wow, I love your comment having to do with spanking you know, only “little kids”!! The facts-spanking hurts a kid both physically and psychologically and undermines them in the longterm. period.
        Maybe you need “correction” in the form of being educated on this matter. Wow.

      • Annette V says:

        Fran B., great reply. No doubt Thomas will come back with yet another Wikipedia definition of spanking but you are exactly right. I counsel families for a living, spanking is just another form of abuse and violence and is never, I repeat never, the answer. I won’t say for Thomas, Gilbert or Lorraine to go back to the stone age but I will encourage them all to do much more research on this matter. There is NOTHING good about a “good, old fashioned spanking.” It is though clearly when an adult loses control, is not equipped to change behavior through non-violent means and to do so on “little children” yes, wow is right. But then parents like this do keep me in business.

      • Thomas R. says:

        Fran, Annette,

        You both are obviously passionate about this issue yet in your “enlightened” response to my comment shows nothing but an intolerant and physiological bullying nature. This inability to discuss without honest consideration of differing opinions reflects poorly on your character, and assurance of your positions being correct. I do not use Wikipedia definitions of spanking as supposed by Annette, I do note that she used this phraseology in a manner to demean my intellect and thereby my opinion.

        This board is meant to be a place of intelligent discussion, which by its very nature will include disagreements. Now let us all remember that we are not little children, and the name-calling and the prevention of online shamming is the very thing this discussion is intended to prevent.

  12. alifox says:

    I should say reading this blog was the first time I heard of this trend. I have seen many “pet shaming” pics on social media but no parents shaming kids. I do not have children but I can’t imagine any parent doing this or even thinking it would be ok. Children have a hard enough time with other children and all the awkward social situations growing up without getting this from their parents. Parents should be there to encourage, love, accept and discipline (when needed).

    • dedric l says:

      Great post. It would be very difficult for me to live with myself knowing that I’d caused the death of my child. Children have to be shielded and protected and loved. I think this is very rare now.

  13. Gilbert W says:

    As a society, we are now reaping the harvest that we’ve carefully tended over the past couple of decades. Parents have spent so much time wanting to provide every slight desire of their children, wanting to protect their children from the slightest discomfort, and wanting their children to believe that they are “perfect just the way they are.” Congratulations! Now we have an entire generation of children who believe that they are deserving of anything they want, regardless of the lack of energy or effort expended to acquire it. They believe that they are “perfect just the way they are” and that no change of any sort is necessary to move ahead in life, or just to be decent people. We have children who demand and expect instant gratification, and behave like spoiled brats when they don’t receive it…and yet we have parents who still give in to these demands. Parents won’t discipline their kids on a regular basis, and aggressively resist those in school or the larger society who attempt to do so for them (just try and correct an obnoxious kid, even one who is being willfully destructive, and see what the parents’ response to you is).

    About the only authority that many kids recognize anymore is the approval (or withholding of such) from their peer group. Nothing else seems to matter. With this being the case, it is an easy leap to the conclusion that the threat of embarrassment in front of one’s peers might be enough to set a child on the right path. This might have (and largely did) work a decade or more back. Shaming, and even public shaming, of children is nothing new. Done in an appropriate manner, such shaming might take the form of issuing an apology for an action that was perpetrated. If that action was public in nature, then a public apology would be appropriate.

    The emotion of shame is a valuable one in a society. It keeps people from deviating from social norms, enabling laws to be effective, and allowing for a polite and peaceful coexistence between people who may have very different positions on issues that spark tremendous passion.

    The “shaming” discussed in this blog is problematic in a couple of ways. First, it seeks to bring shame through public ridicule rather than exposure of an unacceptable behavior. This serves to detach the emotion of shame from the behavior needing correction. This detachment then leaves nothing but ridicule in the mind of the “shamed” person. Secondly, and most importantly, the shaming is being perpetrated upon children who are socially and psychologically incapable of coping with the ridicule, because they have been coddled by parents who have kept their discomfort to a minimum and convinced them that they are “perfect the way they are.” If one is perfect, what could one possibly do to resolve the public ridicule they are facing? Not seeing a need to change behavior, improve an attitude, or demonstrate a desire to be a better person in order to avoid such ridicule, ending one’s life might seem like a reasonable method of avoiding the pain that one is unequipped to handle.

    Don’t misunderstand my point here. I’m not defending those whose over-the-top methods of embarrassing their children have resulted in the tragic outcomes. I’m not suggesting that deliberate humiliation of a child is acceptable. It isn’t. I am suggesting that we, as a society, have created a monster that often only responds to social pressures that we haven’t trained it to cope with. Instead of raising happy, respectful children, we’re raising demanding, disrespectful, narcissistic, and emotionally stunted children that don’t recognize that the world doesn’t revolve around them. We can’t have it both ways: if we don’t teach our children to show respect for others, and to feel shame when they fail to do so, then we will have children who have no respect for anyone other than themselves, and cannot cope with the consequences of that disrespect. This outcome will be tragic on both counts.

  14. Brent S says:

    It’s unfortunate that in day in age when bullying is becoming such an issue among teens and tweens, there are insensitive parents treating their own children in the same way. Youth, specifically teenagers, can be very mean to their classmates and schoolmates. A lot of youth often get bullied at school from others their age, and rely on their parents for encouragement, comforting, and wisdom to deal with these issues. When the bully and the parents become one, where does a child to go, and to whom do they run to, to find their safe-haven?

    This “shaming” should be treated as a modern version of child abuse. In my opinion, there should be legal action taken against some of the parents when the “shaming” goes too far.

  15. Katherine R says:

    I have heard plenty of stories of peers bullying each other, but it shocks me that parents would do it to their own children. I know punishment has been a rough topic for several years with parent shaming for spanking. If the home cannot be a safe place for children, where will they turn? More issues derive when there is less family support behind a child. It makes it worse that the family members are the ones that are actively doing the bullying. There are plenty of movements in America to make it a better place- this should definitely be one of the new movements to take place. Perhaps even with its own hashtag?

    • Dedric I says:

      Great post. I agree that there are many movements that are going now and this is one that should be in the agenda.

  16. Andrew N says:

    Shaming a kid is, in my opinion, demonstrates a horrible parenting skill. Most kids are extremely sensitive towards negative comments from their peers, teachers, parents, etc. and publicly shaming them is harmful. There are other ways to discipline your children. I am not a parent, so I cannot speak for what is the most effective or ineffective, however, shaming should not even be considered an option. Kids, especially those going through puberty, are extremely sensitive. They should be getting support from their parent or parents. When a loved one goes to the extreme of embarrassing their child via social media, there is no going back. Kids are extremely mean to each other sometimes and by shaming, you are only adding fuel to the fire. Punish the child by taking away their cell phone, computer, or video games. In the technological world we live in nowadays that will do more to punish the kid, than causing them to tip over the edge.

    • Dedric I says:

      Great post ! I have to agree. I hope in the future when i have children i may be able to shield my children from the media and social networks.

  17. Chris D says:

    I’ve got three children under the age of ten. My oldest son is eight and, like most kids these days, very intrigued with technology. He’s not (yet) into social media, but I know it won’t be long before the pressure to engage will set in. I’m sure that the parents of these kids who committed or attempted suicide did not see it coming and regret their own actions. However, I suspect that these parents, and many more like them, were having great difficulty communicating with their kids and saw this as a sure way to get their attention. Unintended consequences can be fatal. Although it’s easier said than done, parents must make it a point of emphasis to communicate (and that includes listening) with their children. It may feel like you’re competing with the child’s peer group, but it’s worth the effort. Make them feel that they can bring any issue that can possibly arise to you for loving and trusting words of parental wisdom.

    • Gilbert W says:

      I think you’re spot on, Chris. I would also suggest that it is important to instill in your children a sense of respect for authority very early on. Too many parents don’t rein in their children’s behavior and tolerate disrespect and blatant disregard for any authority. Whether it’s because the parents don’t want “to stifle the child’s creativity” or because they’re simply too lazy to exert the necessary pressure on a consistent basis to mold the desired behavior early on, the result is the same. While this may not seem like a big deal when children are young, it only serves to give children the impression that they aren’t subject to any authority but their own. Feeling this way, once they hit 11 or 12 years old, they are uncontrollable. Then no amount of taking away cell phones, computer time, or television will help.

      • Brandi S says:

        Thank you Gilbert. I agree with you 100%. Some parents let their children get away with everything and when they become adults they expect everyone to do the same. I say if I have to feed,clothe, and take care of you, you will respect me and others and do as you are told. When it comes to children it is not a democracy. Parenting is hard especially these days. If shaming gets their attention and make them turn from their wayward behavior I have no problem with it. It may save them from a prison cell or an early grave later.

  18. Matt R says:

    I particularly liked the line in this blog where you said to show your love for your child for all the world to see. Shaming, no matter what the intention behind it is, is wrong. The famous old saying goes, “the road to hell was paved with good intentions.” A parent’s intent may be to teach the child a lesson and make them a better person, but it could put them in an unnecessary hell that could ultimately lead to what it led Izabel to. Shaming is just wrong. There are no two ways about it. There are so many better ways to discipline a child, and the world doesn’t have to pay witness to any of them. And honestly, if you are willing to post youtube videos of yourself shaming your own child, but you have no happy videos of you loving your child, that doesn’t exactly scream out father of the year! Maybe the child isn’t the only one that needs a little dose of reality and what it means to be a parent. Anyone can have a child, but to be a PARENT to the child is the part where you raise them the RIGHT WAY!

  19. Thomas R says:

    I think taking something like this to the internet is wrong. Shaming your kid on video and posting it to the internet is taking it too far. I think this is more for attention than anything. I agree 100% with disciplining your child if they are out of line. But keep that to yourself and your family don’t be posting it all over the internet. This doesn’t shame the child it embarrasses them. And remember what you put on the internet will be there forever. It will be there for future employers to see as well as their own children in the future. I think this does more harm than good.

  20. wjwood says:

    I agree with getting rid of shaming. In a far more gentler area and probably what led to me not going to law school when I was going to directional state in Oklahoma I was one of the youngest in my class- didn’t turn 18 until my freshman year. I hit the post football keggers and the weekends listening to Def Leppard on the kicker speakers. But I’d never really lived alone wasn’t that independent and college life kicked me in the butt- hard. Ended up flying the flag in a philosophy class- it was a 7:30 AM class- you know the drill.

    So I was gone for a summer came back my Dad who was a Supt of Schools at a school where I want to high school. Anyway rather than shaming me he closed the door and showed my transcripts of teachers that I had- their transcripts were not really great- dotted with D’s and F’s- not a lot. His point was that you can make a mistake and get over it and still be a professional. I still graduated- have two grad degrees in education leadership and I am working this MPA so I think using a mistake as more of as a teachable moment rather than shaming works.

  21. Massi M. says:

    When I was about 10 years old and my older brother was 14, my mother told me that in a few years the wonder relationship we cared would change and as I attempted to grow into an adult we would have disagreements about a variety of subjects. At the time, I couldn’t image it, my mother was the wisest person in the world to me and cared about everything that mattered to me. I would find out a few years later just how wise she was as our relationship changed as predictably as the seasons. However, as I think back, I can’t recall every being shamed by my mother or any family members whether publicly or privately. A parents responsibility as I would learn when I had children is to encourage, motivate, cheer, correct, and passionately counsel them into adulthood. I am not a fan of social media especially when kids are involved because it provide a forum for people to say unfiltered remarked which can be very harmful to the emotional and psychological make-up of the young or immature mind. Yes, teen children can be very trying (I’m there now) but cutting a girls hair and posting it on the internet for the world to see is unthinkable. You don’t need a parental course to see how fragile a girl’s self-esteem is regarding her hair, body changing, and perceive aesthetic outlook. The shaming must stop before a tragedy occurs again, parents must check what social media sites their kids are viewing and how they are being threated (and threating others). I know parenting is hard but these “rites of passage” are the shared lessons that build parent-child relationship into adulthood, producing good people with solid values and compassion for others.

  22. I don’t understand shaming. I think that teaching a kid what is right vs wrong, telling them you expect good behavior from them, that you will punish them in some way if they don’t obey (like taking a way a phone) or something…that all is fine. But the idea of attempting to shame anyone into doing anything seems very inappropriate to me. Especially your own children.

  23. Brandi S says:

    You know what I can see both sides to this blog. Being a parent today is very hard and trying. It is not much you can do without the police or social services becoming involved. authorities wants to lock you up for chastising your own children that you gave birth to. Who are they to tell you how to raise your kids. I am not saying to abuse your kids but even the bible says spare the rod spoil the child. I know when I was a kid I got spankings and I am fine. I am a productive and educated citizen. As far as shaming your children on social media can be a little extreme you know for the children who could not take and tried to commit suicide but we live in a social media world the kids are on social media lying about who they are why not expose them on social media to help save them. For example a mother shamed her daughter on facebook because her daughter was using the site inappropriately. She was an adult and taken provocative pictures. Her mom was ashamed because he daughter was doing these things and she she didn’t know. I was always told wherever you show out at this is where you will be handled at. So the mom made her get on face book and tell the truth to everyone. If she was shamed she should be.

  24. Timothy C says:

    I thoroughly enjoyed this article. I do not have my own children, but I am a foster parent for teenagers and I have a close relationship with my nieces and nephews. It’s very difficult for anyone to endure shame, but as you mention its much more challenging for youth. They are developing their identities and often self-conscious about their appearance, behaviors, awkwardness, and developing bodies. It is truly tragic that the young lady took her life, but its’ simple enough to see how it happened. In retrospect, I’m sure her father will live with the guilt for the remainder of his life for he surely killed her, even though it was not his intention and he did not physically push her off the bridge to her death. Shaming is akin to bullying, except a caregiver or other well-intentioned individual usually performs it. The shaming person usually believes their actions are in the best interest of the youth and will teach him or her a lesson. Instead, the action is devastating. Essentially, the event is registered in the youth as a trauma and he or she may experience many of the symptoms of PTSD. Youth typically have few coping mechanisms, which is why we see such tragic outcomes. As you state, parents should keep discipline reasonable and private.

    • A Blackwell says:

      Thank you Timothy for this post. In my opinion,it shows a small feeling of sympathy for the father whom may blame himself solely for his daughters death for the rest of his days. It is easy for us (myself included) to cast the father as the ultimate villain that caused the death of his daughter with his public shaming. I think that father lost control of his daughter and in a failed attempt thought this would gain it back. Is shaming becoming the new form of “spanking”?

  25. Veronica P says:

    I understand that shaming has led to some tragic, unforeseen circumstances. It seems to me these parents chose this punishment because they thought it would teach their kids to follow the rules, be more respectful, etc. I understand that. I have a five month old and it gives me anxiety to think about him growing up and us as parents having to figure out the best way to teach him how to be a good person in a world that seems to be set up to make bad people. I don’t think I’d ever resort to shaming, personally, but I can see the mindset of the parents who do this. Hopefully, this sad cases will have parents think twice before choosing to shame their kids as punishment. It’s hard because you’re really limited in these days with what you can do to punish your kids for misbehaving. We’re in a time where spanking can get your child taken away from you. It takes a lot of patience to raise a child. I hope when it’s my turn to punish our child for misbehaving, I do so in a productive way that will actually teach him a lesson without making him feel bad about himself.

  26. Sheldon G says:

    This blog post was intriguing because it sheds light on a growing fad in the United States with parents shaming their children over social media for the world to see. I am not a fan of this and I feel that parents do not know the harm they are causing their children just by doing things like this. When you are growing up as a child there are many things that you do and try in order to find yourself and sometimes impress your peers. Many children never want to have a bad impression or be viewed badly from their peers. It is a tough world today for children with all the bullying and teasing going on and for a parent to resort to shaming for discipline, they do not know the actual damage they can cause their child by having them teased more or even bullied to the point where they commit suicide or want to commit suicide. I believe parents are supposed to discipline their kids but not shame them because you would rather uplift your child then tear them apart and leave them vulnerable for someone else to do it.

  27. jsdanley says:

    Honestly I bet their parents feel like crap. This world is so consumed with self-image now days and shaming your child will not help. The growing rate of the bullying epidemic now this is hurtful and sad. Children go to school and get bullied and have to come home to the same turmoil who would want to be around when you feel like the people who are suppose to love you the most make you feel the most insecure. It’s sad and it wrong parent’s don’t understand how dependent children really are in everything they see. I know many kids that see their parents do something bad and think that’s okay and as soon as the child does something in the same manner they get reprimanded and the parents says your suppose to be better than me. How is a child suppose to be better than you if they don’t know better, if you as their parent is not showing them better. Parents don’t understand their actions until it’s to late a lot of times. I have heard many parents say when I was little this when I was little that what they don’t understand these are different times the things that children have to deal with now days is so different than what older generation have dealt with. I’m a 24 year old female and the things high school, middle school, even elementary school kids have to deal with now days is crazy. I’m six years out of high school and it’s completely different the image that are world perceives to be the perfect child is crazy and the sad thing is no child or adult will ever be perfect the sooner we realize that the better.

    • A Blackwell says:

      I agree with you. To kids who are shamed at home, they probably feel they have no where to turn. Getting bullied at school and home can make a kid feel as if they have no options. I felt the things kids had to deal with when I was in school was tough, for the current generation? Things are even crazier. More and more parents are becoming aware of that. How many kids do you know that have cellphones by middle school now? One parent I know gave her son a phone in elementary school. When I inquired about it the only thing she could say was that with as crazy as the world is, she always wants her son to have first line access to her. Her son has had a valid reason to call the number at least twice. Kids absolutely have to feel as if they can call home their safe haven. Shaming does nothing to help that.

  28. amceagle11 says:

    The shaming movement is stupid and lame, but the age of selfies, “look at me” lifestyles and endless reporting via social media of people’s doings, comings and goings, is it surprising? Hell no, it’s not. Shaming is just the latest movement, with online bullying, social media based adultery, etc as earlier benchmarks. I am not one to take a holier-than-thou approach, but this is one more reason I am not “on Facebook” much to the surprise of nearly everyone I talk to about the subject. Shaming is sad and unfortunate, yes, but it is indicative of the social media generation’s insistence on a “look at me” mentality with their lifestyles.

  29. krfukes says:

    Parents that shame their children for the public to see, especially the entire internet are not much different than the typical bullies their teenagers may encounter walking the hallways in school. They should suffer some sort of consequence if their acts of shaming lead to their child seriously harming themselves or even committing suicide. I do not think discipline should be for everyone to see, but rather remain within the family. When my sisters, brother and I were little punishments did not have to be physical. Not being allowed to go out to play, watch television, no videogames, earlier bedtimes, no dessert, as we got older cell phones being taken away, and other punishments always worked for us. I could not imagine any one of my parents or stepparents broadcasting to the world what we did for everyone to see. To me that type of shaming does nothing but make the child feel worthless and bad about themselves, not necessarily make them want to do a complete change towards better behavior.

  30. Cenetta B says:

    I agree. Its absolutely horrible, and I wish parents wouldn’t do it. The internet is a rough enough place without parents making it worse. Everyday we hear of teenagers committing suicide because of the terrible bullying they receive from classmates. For their parents to engender the same behavior is abusive. Why would you break your child’s spirit in such a manner? I come from the “If you embarrass me, i’ll embarrass you” type of household, but luckily I was an obedient child. I had friends who’s parents spanked them in school, and we ridiculed them, but eventually we forgot. On the internet, it lasts forever. Its awful.

  31. autron01 says:

    Parents should use discipline to correct their children, using social media to aid in this endeavor is not in my opinion a wise decision.I think that in some cases this could be seen as showboating. You should never use showboating to raise children. Children should be disciplined in a fashion that shows compassion and understanding. Social Media is just a gossip machine. When the correction is abusive and harsh I think that it does something to the kids spirit. In the end one should always use a caring word and strong hand.

    • A Blackwell says:

      Social Media is a gossip machine without a doubt. Perhaps that is another reason parents use it in the shaming process. They use it to have an audience…an audience that they hope will give acknowledgement and accolades for what they are doing. Perhaps they are seeking agreement that “yes their child did a very bad thing and this is an adequate method of punishment for it.”

      Whatever the reason, public shaming can scar a person indefinitely. I think that the parents who do it are underestimating just how damaging it could truly be.

      • Julie M H says:

        I agree. Public shaming can scar a teenager for life. Teens already have so much going on in their lives these days. Any parent who shames their child on social media needs to get their head checked out. Point blank.. I would not want to be a teenager these days.

  32. Candus K. says:

    This is a tragic story of a young girl whose life ended way too early. Even though I strongly disagree with parents shaming their children, is this why this child committed suicide? I researched the particular girl’s case. In her letters, she stated that she was shamed. Not because of her father cutting her hair, but because of the inappropriate photos she sent to a boy at her school. She stated that she loved her father and he was not the reason she was committing suicide. Apparently, students were shaming her/bullying her from her school due to the boy showing her explicit photos. Regardless of the reason this child killed herself, it is quite tragic. We as parents need to be there for our children. We need to love them and lift them up not put them down. If our children have confidence, strength, and respect for themselves, they are better prepared to battle bullies. Bullies are something that we all have to deal with at some point in our lives. Whether it is a boss, spouse, friend, or foe, someone will end up being mean and rude to each of us throughout our lives. We need to teach our children how to rise above all of the pettiness and realize bullies are the ones with low self-esteem.

  33. A Blackwell says:

    How terrible. Children can be cruel enough as it is without parents adding fuel to the fire. The parents know their children are swimming in shark infested waters and their dangling a bloody steak above the surface. Using social media is the new way of shaming children when they “do bad.” When I was a child, when I was in a heap of trouble my mother would tell all her friends. I didn’t want to be known as “the bad girl” so when I got in trouble I used to beg her not to tell them. Shaming is a very powerful weapon and parents are very much aware of it. However, I do think that they underestimate just how far a child will go to stop the hurt and pain. Its really sad.

  34. Kyle G says:

    In today’s technologically advanced society, one small ‘shaming’ (in reality, bullying) video posted from a parent travels so fast. As a result, one innocent drink of alcohol, someone’s first kiss, or even a bad report card can become a global forum for bullies to attack children that have been, supposedly, taught a lesson by their parents. Teenagers specifically are already mean enough. If you aren’t pretty, you’re a target. If you are overweight, you’re a target. If you’re not an above-average student, you’re a target. If you’re not athletic, you’re a target. Parents are supposed to have their child(ren)’s back. If parents cannot be a support system, a cheerleader, an encouraging adult, a counselor, or a shoulder to lean on, they should refrain from being a disciplinarian as well. Children are fragile, as evidenced by the article. Additionally, if that student is working their hardest but math is a huge struggle for them, get them help!
    I remember the days where I was spanked a couple of times a week, and guess what, that absolutely worked for me. It was embarrassing enough if only one or two friends were over, much less if the entire cyber world was able to see it. However, times are changing rapidly, and punishing your children by physical means is becoming almost outlawed. I disagree with that. Mental pain cuts so much deeper than a whooping and carries more long-term implications- maybe not suicide, but serious issues resulting from low self-esteem and being bullied. Truly we never know how close someone could be to the edge. One post could send them over. As a parent, I would NEVER be able to forgive myself if I felt that I was the cause of my child’s life ending, especially if it was over something such as shaming. I’m not a parent, but it genuinely always helped me when my parents (or teacher, mentor, etc) asked me if there was something going on or if I needed to talk. In order to discipline, we must first seek comprehension. But by all means, let’s not shame children, they tear each other down enough.

  35. Kalan N. says:

    To close your eyes and envision a young teen crashing into your car windshield brings forth feelings of sadness and anger. Anger directed towards the parents who find it acceptable to post videos online of shaming acts performed on their kids. I am deeply saddened for teenagers who have been a victim to shaming.
    I remember it was a time where parents placed their kids on punishment, stripping them of their much needed video games or television time. Now, parents have taken their cruel and unusual punishment online.

    Kids all over America are facing more bullying outside the home than ever and that is a fact. For teenagers to have to also come home and get bullied by their parents, and then have record of it posted online is a vicious act. Parents need to remember the experiences they faced as a child and know that it is worse for kids growing up now.

    I empathize with Mrs. Trulos and her two children for what they witnessed. I hope the father of Izabel comes forward and speaks out on the issue of shaming children. I cannot come to imagine the guilt he must feel every day for the rest of his life

  36. Essence K. says:

    This was a very interesting read. Although I do not agree with shaming a child publicly for their wrongdoings, I do believe that parenting has many different techniques. Parenting styles are different for different family and kids. The family environment, social status, and other factors play a large role in the types of parenting styles that take place. Even though different upbringings and social backgrounds play a role in diverse parenting, any kind of cruel parenting that leads to the suicide of a child is taking things too far. Parental discipline should help children learn from their mistakes, adapt, and make better choices in the future. When the level of discipline or shaming comes into play and leads a child to take their own life, things have gone to far. I hope that parents learn from the tragic events that have happened with too many young children at the hands of shaming, and they find better ways to discipline their children so that they can learn from their mistakes instead of make a decision that will alter their family’s lives forever.

  37. jpmcvaney says:

    This is really no different than bullying, and parents would be complaining so loudly to the various schools if their children came back from school crying due to a kid bullying yet they go about and do something very similar where it will inevitably stay for their lifetime. It is rather sad. Just like the amount of publicity that was made with Adrian Peterson and the switching of his child, the parents that have been shaming their children need to see how it affects their children. I could see it needed to be taught or mentioned by professionals through the pregnancy process because it seems that it may be too late with the fact that it seems to be kids that are under the age of 16. It is such a family altering “discipline” and I believe keeping punishments private would be what is needed.

  38. callenm says:

    Social media has become a platform for people to live out every second of their lives for the public. It is sad that these days some people see no value in privacy. My husband, who has no social media account thinks I am too open with my posts; however, there are several things that I do not and will not post about. One of those are personal issues that I believe should only stay within a family. I do not have any kids, but I cannot imagine purposely embarrassing them to try and make a point in a public forum. Kids are under so much pressure every day among their own peers I believe there are much more effective ways of parenting. I truly view this new style of punishment as bullying. If another child was to do such things to another child I believe most parents would be all upset and demanding the child be reprimanded for their bullying behaviors. It is sad that some people view this as a simple parenting technique that is acceptable because it is coming from a parent trying to teach them a lesson. I believe that parents need to get back to punishing within the home and sitting down to discuss right from wrong and stop trying to involve the world.

  39. Donterrell E says:

    This type of punishment has to be the most ridiculous thing I have come across. When I was coming up, getting in trouble in school and/or not getting good grades resulted in getting a belt put on my backside. I remember I got in trouble in school and my dad took me off the football and basketball team. I was devastated. From there on out I had good behavior and got good grades because I wanted to play. At a young age I realized I had great talent and wanted to use them at the highest level. It also created big dreams in my life. Shaming a child like this can cause them to get bullied at school which sometimes results in to kids committing suicide. Then again, how else can parents discipline their kids without getting in legal trouble. You see what happened to Adrian Peterson and Dwight Howard? Got in legal trouble for giving their child a whooping for being bad. When I was growing up those were so common. You see ALL people from the south has different opinions about their situations. All in all, parents should do away with shaming their children.

  40. Lexis L says:

    This blog about shaming was extremely powerful to read. Social media has gotten out of hands these days. I have seen a few videos and pictures posted on various social media sites including: Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram that involve “shaming.”

    I do not have any kids, therefore I am not the best candidate to discuss parenting advice. However, I would never bully my child and that’s exactly what I believe shaming is doing to these kids. Every parent disciplines their child in their own way and that is understandable. However, why put your own kid down and make them feel miserable about themselves? The kids these days already go through enough with cyber bullying and everything else they encounter at their age. Why add more unnecessary pressure to these kids by exposing them on the internet. A child should feel comfortable talking to their parent(s). If they don’t feel loved at home, then they will start to become depressed and could potentially think suicidal thoughts.

    The suicide rate has been higher than ever due to the internet. A lot of kids deal with self-esteem issues and low self-confidence. It is a parent’s job to talk to their child and provide positive feedback in order to improve their insecurities. Parents shouldn’t be exposing their flaws online! That is downright wrong. A lot of the suicides could have been prevented if the parents chose different discipline actions. The parents are the bullies in this scenario. They are using negative punishment in order to reinforce to the child that what they are doing is wrong. However, the parents could handle the situation much differently and it could predict a different outcome.

    Instead of shaming your child on the internet, talk to them! Communication is key. Adults should not be cruel to their kids. They should love and nourish there child. Yes, sometimes discipline is needed but how you handle the punishment could lead to even bigger consequences. This article was very sad to read but unfortunately it was very accurate. We have to be careful what we say and do these days. One post on the internet could be devastating to someone. Be smart about what you post online. If you would not say it to someone’s face then certainly do no post it. Think twice about shaming.

  41. junior j says:

    My heart goes out to those families that lost and almost lost their child. We can obviously see that shaming has done more harm then good and you can believe those parents are still grieving over the outcome of their actions. I believe that discipline is necessary but that part of parenting should not be broadcasted to the world. Shaming is another form of bullying and people should not treat other people that way.
    These kinds of incidents are never intended but when it occurs we learn from it. I hope parents have learned something from these tragedies because we all love our children and just imagine if that was your baby.

    • Lexis L says:

      I agree with your post. I specifically liked the part when you said that the shaming is never intended to cause such harm to these poor kids. I hope that people learn from these mistakes. Shaming can cause such horrific outcomes. Either way it must come to an end. The consequences of shaming can be tragic. There are other ways to handle discipline like you said. Hopefully the next trend won’t be as hurtful.

  42. Mynisha C says:

    I can only imagine how hard it is for a parent to lose a child, and then be blamed for his or hers death. No I’m not a mother but I have had a growing experience with tweens and pre teens. And I have been one myself. I can say that I have grown quite shocked by the extent that so many teens are glued to social media and trends today. They are ever more influenced then I ever was 5 years ago to their peers and social media sites on how to think and behave. That I have seen many don’t look nor act like a typical 14 or 15 year olds.

    I say this to say I actually don’t have a major issue with the trend of parents shaming their children through social media. Now let me tell you why.

    First, and foremost I believe that their should be to an extent that parents do this. as the old saying goes its not what you say its how you say it. parents need to first know there children and know what lengths they are liable to go when it comes to being embarrassed and how much self esteem their child actually have before doing so. Then once the shaming is finished do remind all viewers of the love that they have for the child and explain this to the child as well.

    Among the consequences that could have followed from their ridiculous behavior. I have seen some quite impactful videos myself that have drastically changed their children’s behavior.

    I don’t know if anyone is old enough to recall their own family discipline, I know I can. I came from a household spare the rod spare the child type. I received spankings then as I got older we were “punishment” where we were banned or had to sacrifice many entertainment things for a certain amount of time.

    But now in the generation of where parents are under constant scrutiny for the discipline of their children when it comes to spanking by outside entices that they restrain form this. Then now that we are a “plugged in” generation that taking the cell phone actually can hurt parents more in that they have no tabs on where their children are for safety measures or contact. Taking the internet and computer can keep them from doing homework assignments. And so on.

    So why no get them where it actually may defer the behavior and influence them most; social media. Peers. If your peers know that as a family we don’t condone your “getting messed up” or “sneaking out” then guess what they wont invite them to participate.

    Do we just let the children that would by definition “bullied” her go unarmed or unblamed. I believe that all involved for this case wrong and no child should have to fell as isolated as these children to want to end their life.

  43. Kaitlyn S. says:

    As a soon to be first time parent, this was a difficult post to read. So often “adults” live in a world of “do as I say, not as I do.” Would a child be “shamed” for shaming another child? It is interesting to read this post after reading the one on violence and bullying. Often it is easy to point to something — violence in the media, games, sports — as the reason for the bullying and hurtful attacks which occur across America in school yards and campuses. This post, however, brings to light a different kind of bullying — one that involves adults, even parents. How is the future generation supposed to know what is right and wrong if their role models aren’t acting as they are instructing their children to behave.

    In fact, some of the worst insults come flying during election season – some of our nations future “leaders” turn into school yard bullies – and sometimes even win favor based on their juvenile antics. Donald Trump has certainly proved himself to be a particular type of role model – and the American public has supported it. What else would we expect from our children based on the example we are showing them?

  44. Lindsey says:

    Being a good parent is not about devaluing your child. There are many more ways to teach your child better choices than publicly shaming them. Most children are already feeling bullied from their peers and mostly over the internet for all to see and on a platform where those words can never be deleted. The worst part about parents publicly shaming their children, is that the parent is supposed to be their biggest supporter, the one who shows them unconditional love and encourages them instead of bashing them. The parents are becoming worse than their peers. Adults are still effected by being publicly shamed so imagine how much worse it is for a child who is not socially or emotionally as developed as an adult. The effects of these parents publicly shaming their kids are much more traumatizing than what most people realize. For example, there has been a new video circulating the internet where parents have hired an adult male who acting an a teenage boy, lures their children over the internet to meet up with them. Then, when the children meet up with this “boy” the parents participate in “kidnapping” their kids dressed in black, with masks on and in a van. When I watched the video, my first thought was how disturbing it was, not because of how easily these kids met up with the boy who they had ever met. I was disturbed at the fact that these parents would put their children through such a traumatizing even just to teach them a lesson. Most people thought it was such a educational video of how scary the internet is. I however thought it was a very poor example of how to educated children on the realities of the internet. Teaching children a lesson by traumatizing them can have far more negative emotional effects than positive outcomes.

  45. Connor S says:

    The act of shaming should not be considered good parenting anywhere. In fact it should not be even considered parenting at all. This is an act of bullying and parents being adults should know better than this. However, there are many parents out there that would feel that they never can get through to there children and will never be able to get them to do the things that they need to do in order to live healthy successful lives. Even though this should not force them to such drastic measures.

    Such a traumatic event can have a very negative effect on children and teenagers. Since they are still developing psychologically they will not have the resilience that will allow them to deal with this event. The best route for teaching our children is to ensure that they know that we care for them and love them no matter what they do. This would seem to be counter productive because if they know this then won’t they just act out and not listen to us then? However, more often then not children will react positively to this manner. Especially, when punishment must be done in order to enforce/reinforce rules because they will understand that even though we are angry with their actions now, we still love them and nothing will change that. Also, if punishment is necessary to teach our children it should be kept privately within the home. Publicly displaying a humiliating situation is disgusting and should only be viewed as an act of bullying. Do we want our children to see us as bullies? Would this not show that bullying is okay? How would this then affect the bullying that already occurs in schools and on the internet by children all around the world

    Overall I am disgusted that there are parents out there that believe that this is the best option for teaching their children. There are so many people that are being accused of committing crimes that are completely innocent, however there is proof that these parents are committing this horrendous act and going about their lives without any consequences.

  46. hlwaits says:

    I see these videos all of the time and I am so very confused. Do parents think that this is showing their children how to react to difficult situations? Is that how you want your children to react whenever their friends make them upset or their teacher? I have never found these videos of parents shaming their children funny or useful. I do not believe that are showing them a good example of how someone should handle themselves nor do I think that they are actually doing anything positive by emotionally hurting their children. I agree with you, teach your children how to act and discipline them. By no means to I think teenagers should be able to run free and do what they want. I can assure you the world would not have wanted my parents to do that. There is no telling how I would have turned out! These parents should be ashamed and maybe grow up before they have are children to raise!

  47. Lawhorne says:

    Study after study supports the fact that being a child during this era of pervasive information sharing can be difficult. I am of the opinion that shaming is a passive-aggressive parental mechanism that can not only be counterproductive, but can cause unforeseen and unrecoverable second-order-effects on the child. I agree it should never be leveraged for an intervention toward a perceived corrective behavior.

  48. gljackson33 says:

    I think parent do not need to shame their kids. I think positive forms of discipline other than shame. Shaming may cause a child to become depressed and my even be bullied because of their parents shaming them. I think discipline should be kept private and not displayed for everybody to see them. It is a form of emotion abuse to me. This may cause the child to shut down and my not feel like themselves. It also can have an affect on their social life after they are shamed.

  49. Ambreshia says:

    I would have to agree that the public shame needs to end. Just as you stated parenting is tough and no one has the right answers to what should be done in every situation. I am a parent myself to a wonderful 6 year old. There were and are days that i want to pull my hair out because either i feel as if i am not parenting right or my child just deliberately disobeys the rules and expect to get away with it. When i come to this point it is time for me to take a deep breath and walk away from the situation to approach later. I am learning daily that as a parent there are going to be situations that arise that i may not agree with and/or be happy with but it is up to me on how i react and handle them. I feel as if for this situation public shame is not the answer. There are many other ways to punish children besides public humiliation.

  50. Keir B. says:

    I can definitely identify with this article. Everytime I discipline my 9 year old son, I wonder if I have been too harsh and what his reaction will be. One of my biggest fears in life is making my son feel inadequate. I wholeheartedly believe in discipline, but sometimes it’s hard to draw the line of what’s going overboard.

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