February 17, 2015 by gregrabidoux2013
Stop me if you’ve heard this all before. A young dashing billionaire “bad-boy” (Christian Grey) seduces the timid, young and naïve “good-girl” college student (Anastasia Steele) and together they explore the boundaries of romance, bondage, S&M and a closet that would make a Victoria’s Secret model blush. She’ll become his slave and a prisoner of his power, both will never be the same again. [You should’ve stopped me by now]
Geesh. I think that was the book summary on the back of a 1985 romance paperback with a bare-chested dude named Fabio I saw at Wal-Mart for 50 cents. Forget the 50 shades of “I could have been at home washing my hair instead and minus all that abuse” instead of forking over $10 bucks to watch to actors play “grab-arse.”
Look, this plot-line usually is and should have been rejected from your typical Harlequin romance novel publisher for being too clichéd and predictable. Nicholas Sparks, “Mr. Notebook himself” would have to say “meh” about such a sorry and stale plot. Been there and done that. And in a rainstorm no less. In fact, Flo the Progressive Insurance gal showed more passion in her rainstorm moment in a recent commercial than Ms. Dakota Johnson is able to muster in the exceedingly long 125 minutes of Greydom.
Even former “Material Girl” Madonna, who years ago did rather bizarre and inexplicable not to mention contortionist-invoking things with a beer bottle in her then-controversial “Book of Sex” ho-hummed the 50 Shades of Grey furor. “It’s just not very sexy,” noted Madonna. “Maybe, it’s for people who never had sex before” she mused.
Or, maybe this book and now movie is about 50 years too late. Let’s face it-These days any billionaire “boys” are nerds who either own Facebook, Google, Microsoft or some combination thereof. And their idea of being “bad” is getting to Level 10 of the new Assassin’s Creed video game. And, none to my knowledge do or will ever look like the buff actor who plays Mr. Grey in this silly cinematic nonsense of a movie.
And timid, young, naïve Anastasia? Well, she’s played by Ms. Dakota Johnson, the daughter of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffin. For those of you far too young to recall, let me just put it to you this way-Melanie and Don (both actors) posed for Playboy when she was about 16 and he was 22 and “in lust and love.” So much for passing on any hereditary naïve gene.
But more importantly, in the year 2015 when we continue to witness athletes assaulting women, young ladies being kidnapped and forced into real bondage and sex trafficking around the world and President Obama calling rape of our young women on our college campuses an “epidemic,” it is hard to make the case that this is the type of “fetish fantasy” that any of us need to be watching and plunking down money for on of all nights, Valentine’s Day/Night, for goodness sakes.
The “bad-boy” billionaire with all the power enslaving the innocent, wide-eyed girl in his world of S&M and bondage and kink…Please.
Are there any women out there, naïve and young or not so naïve and older that truly find this plot attractive? Exciting? Bold?
Well, obviously, many do, as 50 Shades of Grey raked in well over $80 million in hard cash this past week-end.
Still, I can’t help feeling that this movie is about 50 years too late and about the last thing we need our young men and women finding glamorous or life-style worthy.
If they really wanted to make a “bold, controversial” film then may I suggest the following plot change? Christian and Anastasia switch roles and she’s the one in charge and in power. I wonder how many moviegoer males across the US would suddenly think of “50 Shades” as a “chick flick” and not nearly as sexy? “Hey honey, about the movies, can we see American Sniper instead?”
Of course, SpongeBob the Movie: A Sponge Out of Water is on track to make $100 million and surpass 50 Shades. And they even have less spanking. Can you believe it?
Believe it. No shades of grey when it comes to square-pants.
Now that’s entertainment.