Russia Sues McDonalds. Says Burgers are Fatty and Secret Sauce Not Secret. Seriously?


July 27, 2014 by gregrabidoux2013

Russia McD counter

Welcome Comrade, more fat with that Big Macsky?

The McDonald Corporation has been sued over the years. A lot. They’ve been sued for having excessively hot coffee and not warning people properly of such perils. For exploiting children in their ad campaigns. For mistreating its workers, for being anti-union, for serving spoiled meat, for using animal fat and calling it vegetable fat, even for selling Happy Meals that may not always make kids happy.

They’ve even brought their share of McLawsuits, including basically putting one Elizabeth McCaughey of San Francisco Bay area out of business. Her sin? Operating a coffee shop named “McCoffee” (get it? her real name is McCaughey…) for 17 years which the powers that be at McDonald’s Corporation one day felt could cut into their own $1.2 trillion worth. Hey Liz, are you lovin’ it?

Ronald McDonald sure can be one vindictive clown.

Russia Ronald Mac

Don’t mess with me. Just ask the Hamburglar.

But the latest lawsuit by the Russian Health Ministry really takes the borscht.

Russia is suing the McDonald’s Corporation and by inclusion all of its Russian franchises for (ready?) allegedly selling Big Macs that are too fatty and having a secret sauce that every good comrade knows is really just “Russian Dressing” with a bit of Ketchup.

Muscovites apparently are no longer enchanted with the “Golden Arches” like they were back in the day (1990) when they stood in lines for hours to get their hands on a Big Mac, fries and a real, American, super-sized drink. Da. Burger-Capitalism invaded Russia and unlike Napoleon, it was a speedy, tasty victory for the foreign barbarians.

But if we carefully unwrap our burger and peek between the two patties and pickles, we see a rather distasteful political agenda brewing in the Kremlin.

Yep. Politics once again spoils a good meal and gives its guests a bad case of indignant indigestion.

You see, there is this whole issue of Russia seemingly wanting to forcibly annex the Ukraine to a perhaps, bourgeoning, new “Mini-USSR.” There is also a lot of global buzz that Russia, under orders from that all-around, likable Mr. Putin, either shot down the commercial flight recently, killing over 200 civilians, or had a surreptitious hand in the terrorist-tragedy.

Putin and dog

Please don’t tell Putin the dog is actually Ukrainian.

So, true to global politics and the diplomacy of sanctions, the US has imposed economic sanctions upon Russia. President Obama has publicly and privately (we are told) scolded Comrade Putin and basically warned him to, well, stop shooting down civilian planes over Ukraine air space. He says “prove it” and US inspectors are currently in the Ukraine at the site of the crash trying to prove it. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I have been giving thought to more drastic and dramatic steps that we, in the US, can take to really stick it to the Russians. I mean look, it’s one thing for us to sue Ronald McDonald, all the while knocking back a Big Mac, fries and a frosty, it’s altogether another thing for foreign nations to start poking the bear, er, clown, er, arches.

So, I pondered, what could we do and whom should we sue?

Let’s see, there is the well-known, fancy-pantsy, Russian Tea House in NYC. But besides making me wonder if anyone in Russia actually sips tea, they seem pretty harmless. Aside from the spying scandal a few years back.

Russian tea house NY

Russian Tea House. Seriously? Since when do Russians sip tea?

There was “Misha the Russian Bear” not too long ago when the Olympics were staged in Sochi. But he (she?) never really caught on and made anyone forget Mickey, Minnie or even Donald (as if).

There’s just no obvious enemy on our US soil to eliminate. We tried to re-name French Fries “Freedom Fries” during our Hussein-wars when the Parisians decided that such military action didn’t sit well with their daily diet of half a Croissant and a pack of Marlboros. But that never really caught on except in parts of Texas.

Russian french waiters

Ready for your 1/2 croissant and cigarettes?

We could boycott Russian fast-food franchises that are invading our landscape if only there were such a beast.

We could stop teaching Russian in our public schools if only we taught it there in the first place. English alone seems enough of a challenge for our little comrades in training.

How about simply refusing to buy the latest in Russian fashion?

Well, tell me what that is and I’ll close my Calvin Klein (made in China) wallet for good.

Fine, I’ve never been a big vodka-swilling capitalist but I could help start a big “boy and girlcott” that will bring the Russian vodka makers to their knees on a cold day (any other type?) in Siberia.

Russian vodka

How about a Russian beer instead? Is there even such a thing?

The problem is that Stolichnya is made in Latvia and bottled in Luxembourg, Smirnoff is a UK brand now, Absolut is a French/Swedish partnership, Grey Goose is French, Ketel One is Dutch and Chopin is Polish.

And let’s be honest, no one in the US except maybe P-Diddy and Kanye West are guzzling vodka and eating Russian caviar.

Okay, I will ban all children from having posters of Russian athletes in their rooms. But aside from Alex Ovechkin (and he’s a hockey player) there’s really just that Anna Kournikova who was really only a part-time tennis player and full-time model and that Russian female track star who seems to hate all gays.

Russia anna k

Rumor is Anna K is actually from Estonia, sorry Moscow.

Christian Ronaldo they ain’t.

Dlya vashego zdrov’ya!

What’s a good, red (sorry) blooded American to do? I want to help McDonald’s fight back against the Russian Bear but how?

But then again, maybe, a global corporation that says “Hi, do you want to super-size that?” to 68 million customers a day in 119 countries and is worth upwards of $1.2 trillion USD doesn’t need all that much help.

Russia and Big Mac

Just admit this is fatty and be done with it.

So, here’s my unsolicited advice to the descendants of Ray Kroc. Confess that yes, indeed, your Big Macs are a bit caloric and fatty, that they apparently violate those “strict” Russian national regulations of healthy eating and that your “secret sauce” is indeed Russian Dressing. Perhaps they’ll be flattered.

Then, to help President Obama and Mr. Putin generate a new era of good will, have a month or so of “Flash-Back” Mondays when your McDonald menu will be what it was back in 1937 in its McDonald brother days. Cheese-burgers were 10 cents and all you could drink fountain soda. Orange Juice was 5 cents and French fries didn’t come in a holder three sizes too small to make you think you were getting a lot of ‘tater for your nickel.

Comrade, those were the days.

Russia, Mr. Putin, it’s time to drop this silly lawsuit. Do you really want your citizens to go back to eating cold beets and sour cream?

And I’m still not convinced anyone in Russia drinks tea.

Besides, everyone knows the way to world peace is to sit down together and enjoy a Happy Meal. Batteries not included.






24 thoughts on “Russia Sues McDonalds. Says Burgers are Fatty and Secret Sauce Not Secret. Seriously?

  1. Pamela T says:

    Very funny Comrade! But I agree McD’s probably doesn’t really need our help but just to be sure, I’m not buying Russian caviar this week-end! But I am getting a Happy meal!

  2. Jorge H says:

    Russia suing McDonalds makes no sense to me. When I think healthy I don’t think Russian food. How to get back at them as Dr. R suggests, no one buy those Russian dolls inside of dolls toy…aw, no one buys those anyhow. I got nothing!

  3. Tiffany R says:

    Russia should be worrying less about suing McDonalds and more about not supporting terrorism. Besides since when do Russians worry about their weight anyways? Don’t they need some Big Mac fat for those Siberian winters?

  4. Sedric C says:

    Russia and Putin is trying to get back at the United States for all the sanction they are being hit with. Russia need some type of propaganda for the Russian citizens. Just this week on the news Russia is trying to boycott Mc’Donalds and American businesses in Russia. This let you know the sanctions is hurting Russia economy.

  5. Jaimie C says:

    First, the idea of McDonalds makes me sick after seeing “Super Size Me” and I’m glad I read this blog after eating dinner, because otherwise I’d be drinking water for me meal. Overall, I do not think the Russians are wrong (this time.) Simply because McDonalds is a powerhouse does not mean they are above the law. Russia has strict caloric regulations are McDonalds should meet those requirements or leave. In America, when a foreign company opens a store, factory, or restaurant we expect them to meet our expectations–why wouldn’t Russia expect the same?

    • Jaime-you are no doubt correct, though one of those strict regulations is 5x the amount of red meat than the EU. So, actually McD’s may be the way to go for Russia. And the wrath of Ronald McD has been stirred….

  6. Shannon V says:

    When I saw a news article on the lawsuit this past Friday, I had to read it twice. It discussed the governmental nutritional and safety codes violated by McDonald’s and how Russia was truly questioning the “quality” of the chain’s food. Really? I don’t know that many of us eat McDonald’s food because it’s “quality” munching. A survey was published last month which noted McDonald’s as Americans’ least favorite food chain ( Apparently Americans and Russians now agree that McDonald’s isn’t quality food – we are no longer lovin’ it!

  7. Brandi S says:

    McDonalds is one of the cheapest fast food joints on the planet. You can get a hamburger for 59 cents and be good. People do not care that this food is bad for you and is very fatty. It does not process in you system and it makes your stomach hurts. But the simple fact that it is “cheap” keeps people coming back for more. In my undergrad we watched a movie called super size me and I was so disgusted with the way McDonalds food had no quality. I stop eating there for along time. I do not feel that Russia is not wrong in any sort of way about how McDonalds should run in their country. We want things in America the way we want it so why can’t they expect the same thing in their country. America needs to get over themselves and comply with their rules. If we want to service the people in their country we have to follow their guidelines. Just because the people in America do not care about being fat and overweight because McDonalds food is very fast and so cheap does not mean everyone feels the same way.

  8. Ted G says:

    My heart was broken when Anna K went with that loser of a singer Enrique whatever his name is…so, I say boycott anything Russian, if we can find stuff not actually made in china!

  9. Sharriette F says:

    Amen! This is a most hilarious growl and exactly what I needed on a Monday morning. It is amazing that we can always find new ways to pester one another. Obama “chastises” Putin. Putin sues McDonald’s. Putin is hitting us where it hurts with that one. McDonald’s is a national treasure. Yes, those Big Macs are fatty, tasty, and add to my joy with every bite. Of course, I know better than to eat a Big Mac everyday, or even every week. That’s more of a quarterly treat for me, which makes it even better. If Putin doesn’t want his comrades to storm his house, he may want to leave McDonald’s alone. People get sensitive about their Big Macs.

    • Sharriette, how true! People will put up with a lot, but take away their Big Macs and well, heaven help you. If Mr. Putin does not want a permanent vacation to Siberia he’ll keep his mitts of the Macs.

  10. Charles Heino says:

    Sure it’s petty and childish. I don’t think for a second that it has a thing to do with nutrition laws. The AP (2014) even reports,

    “There’s no demonstrable connection between the McDonald’s suit and the tensions, but the consumer protection agency, Rospotrebnadzor, has a history of actions that appear to dovetail Russia’s political agenda. As tensions between Russia and Georgia escalated before their 2008 war, Russia banned the import of Georgian wine and mineral water — two of its major export products — for failing to meet sanitary norms. Last year, as tensions heated up over Ukraine’s desire to sign a trade pact with the European Union, Russia banned imports of chocolates made by the company of Petro Poroshenko, a tycoon who supported the EU deal and is now Ukraine’s president”. – See more at:

    If there is a leg to stand on in terms of caloric overload, the McDonalds needs to comply, but if they are within their rights….they may need to rethink their desire to conduct business in the Soviet Union. If they are subject to this scrutiny, then any other American company is liable, and we as a nation of fortune 500 companies should rethink our soviet option. It may be just too much risk.

  11. Tinisha. S says:

    This summer once I return from my study abroad trip in Edinburgh, Scotland I was instructed by my professor to write a research paper about referendums. Russia’s invasion in Crimea was one of the referendum issue I used. After reading this article I found it quite funny that Russia wants to sue a U.S franchise only because they are angry that the U.S. filed sanctions against them for invading Crimea and performing an illegal referendum. As a supporter of the Mickey D’s franchise for decades I found ironic that Russia has taken this long to file a law suit against McDonald as if they are just now finding out what the is ingredients in the secret sauce was and that they are supporters of fatty patty’s. If this is the case Russia needs to stop supporting the franchise and get on with living a healthier life.

  12. Nicole J says:

    I think that suing McDonalds is a waste of time and money. Just like that lady sued because her coffee burnt her (somehow she won). If her coffee wasn’t hot, she would have complained and sent it back. Seems like they can’t win no matter what they do. Isn’t it required that fast food places must have caloric information about there food some where that consumers can find it? You can’t blame McDonalds for its food being too fatty, you have the blame the person who purchases it regardless. Isn’t it knows that America is obese, so eating American fast food will probably make you gain a few pounds. It has gotten ridiculous; people can sue for anything in this day and age. A little off topic, but a burglar coming to rob your house falls in your roof and breaks his leg. He can sue you for his injuries and SURPRISE… win. Ridiculous.

  13. Rachel B. says:

    I am not a huge McDonald fan and dislike them a little more after reading about Elizabeth McCaughey. Then again I used to work in a local coffee shop and they kind of have a special place in my heart. That being said the whole lawsuit thing shocks me. Really Russia? Who ever said BigMac’s were healthy? People eat them because despite the sheer number of calories in them they are somehow delicious. The whole thing about the sauce is absurd to me as well. I agree that politics could be playing into the whole situation. Russia is mad, but do they think going after McDonald’s is going to change anything. Even if McDonalds admits their BigMac’s are more fatty and says the secret sauce is Russian dressing I question whether Russia will just look for someone else to attack.

  14. John C says:

    I do think it is hypocritical of McDonald’s to sue the lady in San Francisco. I recall that they were bemoaning the fact that they were sued for serving someone coffee that was “hot.” Given the current state of affairs in Russia, one would think that they might have something other to occupy themselves with other than litigation with a fast food company.

  15. Chandria says:

    I agree that if McDonalds is not following Russian guidelines, they should comply. Although, I find it very difficult to comprehend how a Big Mac can ever be considered healthy in any sense of the word. Fast food is fast and unhealthy in general in my opinion. It’s supposed to be an occasional treat but based on my observations, some people live off of it.

  16. Ashley G says:

    I think this is ridiculous, but not surprising from Russia!!!! Although this is another petty lawsuit that mcdonalds must face, it’s simply karma for all the petty lawsuits they have caused due to sheer greed!

  17. junior jackson says:

    The post was very satirical, maybe even a little to satirical. I really didn’t get the purpose of the article until approaching the end of the article. Russia is clearly taking it frustrations out on american businesses within their border but this will not prove beneficial in the long run. What Russia has taken time to observe is that their country is already under very heavy economic sanctions -from a host of different countries -and by targeting McDonalds they are speeding up the weaken of their own economy. Russia can say its a health issue “thing” but just because you put a mask over a ducks face and put human clothing on it, its still a DUCK.

    • Valerie L says:

      JJ-How can you not get the point? Russia sues Mc’Ds and so what can we sue about Russia to get even? Funny and witty article. And I don’t even eat caviar!

  18. Pete F says:

    Russia is just miffed at the US and Obama right now…in no time they’ll be lining up for butter, eggs, milk, and of course a Big Macsky comrade!

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