July 27, 2014 by gregrabidoux2013
The McDonald Corporation has been sued over the years. A lot. They’ve been sued for having excessively hot coffee and not warning people properly of such perils. For exploiting children in their ad campaigns. For mistreating its workers, for being anti-union, for serving spoiled meat, for using animal fat and calling it vegetable fat, even for selling Happy Meals that may not always make kids happy.
They’ve even brought their share of McLawsuits, including basically putting one Elizabeth McCaughey of San Francisco Bay area out of business. Her sin? Operating a coffee shop named “McCoffee” (get it? her real name is McCaughey…) for 17 years which the powers that be at McDonald’s Corporation one day felt could cut into their own $1.2 trillion worth. Hey Liz, are you lovin’ it?
Ronald McDonald sure can be one vindictive clown.
But the latest lawsuit by the Russian Health Ministry really takes the borscht.
Russia is suing the McDonald’s Corporation and by inclusion all of its Russian franchises for (ready?) allegedly selling Big Macs that are too fatty and having a secret sauce that every good comrade knows is really just “Russian Dressing” with a bit of Ketchup.
Muscovites apparently are no longer enchanted with the “Golden Arches” like they were back in the day (1990) when they stood in lines for hours to get their hands on a Big Mac, fries and a real, American, super-sized drink. Da. Burger-Capitalism invaded Russia and unlike Napoleon, it was a speedy, tasty victory for the foreign barbarians.
But if we carefully unwrap our burger and peek between the two patties and pickles, we see a rather distasteful political agenda brewing in the Kremlin.
Yep. Politics once again spoils a good meal and gives its guests a bad case of indignant indigestion.
You see, there is this whole issue of Russia seemingly wanting to forcibly annex the Ukraine to a perhaps, bourgeoning, new “Mini-USSR.” There is also a lot of global buzz that Russia, under orders from that all-around, likable Mr. Putin, either shot down the commercial flight recently, killing over 200 civilians, or had a surreptitious hand in the terrorist-tragedy.
So, true to global politics and the diplomacy of sanctions, the US has imposed economic sanctions upon Russia. President Obama has publicly and privately (we are told) scolded Comrade Putin and basically warned him to, well, stop shooting down civilian planes over Ukraine air space. He says “prove it” and US inspectors are currently in the Ukraine at the site of the crash trying to prove it. Stay tuned.
In the meantime, I have been giving thought to more drastic and dramatic steps that we, in the US, can take to really stick it to the Russians. I mean look, it’s one thing for us to sue Ronald McDonald, all the while knocking back a Big Mac, fries and a frosty, it’s altogether another thing for foreign nations to start poking the bear, er, clown, er, arches.
So, I pondered, what could we do and whom should we sue?
Let’s see, there is the well-known, fancy-pantsy, Russian Tea House in NYC. But besides making me wonder if anyone in Russia actually sips tea, they seem pretty harmless. Aside from the spying scandal a few years back.
There was “Misha the Russian Bear” not too long ago when the Olympics were staged in Sochi. But he (she?) never really caught on and made anyone forget Mickey, Minnie or even Donald (as if).
There’s just no obvious enemy on our US soil to eliminate. We tried to re-name French Fries “Freedom Fries” during our Hussein-wars when the Parisians decided that such military action didn’t sit well with their daily diet of half a Croissant and a pack of Marlboros. But that never really caught on except in parts of Texas.
We could boycott Russian fast-food franchises that are invading our landscape if only there were such a beast.
We could stop teaching Russian in our public schools if only we taught it there in the first place. English alone seems enough of a challenge for our little comrades in training.
How about simply refusing to buy the latest in Russian fashion?
Well, tell me what that is and I’ll close my Calvin Klein (made in China) wallet for good.
Fine, I’ve never been a big vodka-swilling capitalist but I could help start a big “boy and girlcott” that will bring the Russian vodka makers to their knees on a cold day (any other type?) in Siberia.
The problem is that Stolichnya is made in Latvia and bottled in Luxembourg, Smirnoff is a UK brand now, Absolut is a French/Swedish partnership, Grey Goose is French, Ketel One is Dutch and Chopin is Polish.
And let’s be honest, no one in the US except maybe P-Diddy and Kanye West are guzzling vodka and eating Russian caviar.
Okay, I will ban all children from having posters of Russian athletes in their rooms. But aside from Alex Ovechkin (and he’s a hockey player) there’s really just that Anna Kournikova who was really only a part-time tennis player and full-time model and that Russian female track star who seems to hate all gays.
Christian Ronaldo they ain’t.
Dlya vashego zdrov’ya!
What’s a good, red (sorry) blooded American to do? I want to help McDonald’s fight back against the Russian Bear but how?
But then again, maybe, a global corporation that says “Hi, do you want to super-size that?” to 68 million customers a day in 119 countries and is worth upwards of $1.2 trillion USD doesn’t need all that much help.
So, here’s my unsolicited advice to the descendants of Ray Kroc. Confess that yes, indeed, your Big Macs are a bit caloric and fatty, that they apparently violate those “strict” Russian national regulations of healthy eating and that your “secret sauce” is indeed Russian Dressing. Perhaps they’ll be flattered.
Then, to help President Obama and Mr. Putin generate a new era of good will, have a month or so of “Flash-Back” Mondays when your McDonald menu will be what it was back in 1937 in its McDonald brother days. Cheese-burgers were 10 cents and all you could drink fountain soda. Orange Juice was 5 cents and French fries didn’t come in a holder three sizes too small to make you think you were getting a lot of ‘tater for your nickel.
Comrade, those were the days.
Russia, Mr. Putin, it’s time to drop this silly lawsuit. Do you really want your citizens to go back to eating cold beets and sour cream?
And I’m still not convinced anyone in Russia drinks tea.
Besides, everyone knows the way to world peace is to sit down together and enjoy a Happy Meal. Batteries not included.