Mom gets arrested for telling daughter to “Use your fists and fight.”

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April 13, 2014 by gregrabidoux2013

bullying pic girls

At least this message is clear.

Man, we do give our kids some mixed messages, don’t we? Little wonder they either come away confused, angry or convinced we adults are mostly hypocritical. Which, truth be told, we, too often, are guilty as charged.

Let me explain.

A mother, Eula McCray, in upstate New York was arrested recently on charges of manacing, child endangerment, and inciting violence.

Her alleged crime?

She encouraged, more specifically, she commanded her 10 year-old daughter to “use her fists” and to “fight” and “hurt” a fellow 10 year-old girl in a street fight caught on camera.

Her punishment?

While she awaits resolution of her case, Ms. McCray is not permitted to have full custody of her daughter and may only visit her with child services supervision.

But why did this Mom yell at her kid to fight in the first place?

Ms. McCray claims that for nearly two years her daughter has been bullied and harassed by this alleged female bully whom she fought. For two long years, McCray says that her daughter lived in fear, frustration and refused to “stand up” for herself. It seems that out of desperation a fight was more or less set-up so it could end one way or the other.

Who among us hasn’t been bullied at some point? Or been told, or told someone else “not to back down” and “stand up for yourself.” Which in translation usually means resort to physical violence because as we all know that’s the only thing bullies understand. Right?

hazing

Bullying happens at all ages and even comes disguised as friendship rituals.

And now she (the Mom) may spend time in jail for the way she handled this bullying-fight incident.

While I was trying to make sense of this bullying-brawl a few items that unfolded close to the same time-frame as this caught my eye.

In Florida, another Mom, Irisdaly Rios, aged 35, was caught on camera grabbing, scratching and punching a 12 year old student in a middle school parking lot. The Mom in this case says she lost control and felt she had run out of options after pleading with authorities to stop this 12 year old from allegedly bullying her own daughter.

Edmond Aviv, aged 62, was ordered to wear a sign saying that “I am a Bully” by a judge in South Euclid, Ohio. Aviv was convicted of bullying his neighbor Sandra Pugh. This bullying senior citizen blew kerosene from a fan into his neighbor’s home, frequently hurled racial slurs at Sandra’s two African-American adopted children and apparently, for good measure, threw dog feces on her yard and front porch.

bully sign

Mom must be proud.

Sandra’s crime?

Seems “Aviv the Bully” couldn’t cope with the fact that Sandra’s kids were disabled, one had cerebral palsy, one had epilepsy and that her husband suffered from dementia.

Bullies tend to pick on those who are different and have perceived or actual weakness in case you didn’t know.

Last night Manny Pacquiao, a legendary fighter from the Philippines traded body and brain blows with his opponent Timothy Bradley. While both left the extended exchange bloody and a bit dazed, Manny was awarded the championship’s belt. Both earned millions for their aggressiveness and ability to inflict and accept pain. We call this contained aggression the “Sweet Science.”

Ms. Rhonda Rousey and Ms. Gina Carano are in talks to possibly have a “Match of the Ages” a “cage fight” with “no holds barred” according to their camps’ public relations team. In case the names are not familiar these are two professional, female wrestler-fighters. According to television rating points, audience approval soars when these two grown-up girls pull and rip at each other’s hair and if blood is drawn the approval soars even higher. Both of these women promise to give the public what they thirst for-Stay tuned.

Rhonda Rousey blood

Blood shedding equals ratings. C’mon ladies don’t hold back.

So, it seems that bullying, fighting and beating someone up is wrong except for when it’s right.

Maybe if the Mom had charged her neighbors money to watch the fight and awarded the winner a kids belt of honor.

The White House Task Force on bullying in America asserts that we have a “Bullying Epidemic.”

Just how bad is this “epidemic of bullying violence?”

—Everyday in the US about 160,000 kids stay home from school out of fear of being bullied.

—Teen bullying victims are nearly 10 times more likely to commit suicide than non-bullied teens.

—A reported 25% of high school kids serious consider suicide every year, bullying is nearly always a major influencing factor

—5,000 or more deaths of teens are caused each year by bullying violence

And this next statistic won’t provide any relief to Ms. McCray;

—10-14 year-old girls are the highest at-risk category now to consider and commit suicide as a result of being bullied.

And despite hopes that teen “Fight Clubs” would vanish once the allure of wanting to be like Brad Pitt in the movie “Fight Club” subsided, such “clubs” continue to flourish. In fact, adults have joined in the “fun” serving as coaches. As one adult who chose to be anonymous argued, “teen girls and boys have to become men and women sometime. This (fight clubs) helps them.”

Fight club movie

Why so angry Brad? Is it that Angelina again?

Gee, I’m starting to see the merits of kids staying home and wasting time playing violent video games. But starting isn’t finishing.

violent video game

Good, clean fun?

I do remain convinced though that, as adults, we need to be more aware of the mixed messages we send to our children when the topic turns to bullying and violence.

To pretend we don’t live in and cultivate a culture of violence is simply to willfully be unaware or offer a feigned, dangerous ignorance of reality.

We say bullying and physical assault and violence is wrong. We hold annual “Bullying Summits” to try and identify the roots of why kids bully and commit horrific acts of violence like the recent student stabbings in Pennsylvania. Yet, we enable a culture of violence through the video games we purchase and play, the movies we make and watch, the entertainment we pay for and the fights between kids we encourage, cheer at and coach. Whether it’s overt, like a fight club or more subtle like at a toddler football practice.

We revel in organized violent spectacles as we fork over big bucks to watch grown adults beat each other to a bloody pulp in rings or cages.

Tyson and Holyfield

Don’t be a hater. It’s why you watch, right?

And when it’s over we expect our children to understand that such bullying and violence is wrong. You know, except when it’s right.

I get that our sports are often physically combative and violent. It’s just somehow it seems that our kids are getting confused about the messages we are sending them on bullying, violence and what it means to be men and women in our culture.

Maybe its coming from the inherent confusion in the messages being sent in the first pace.

Or, in short, just what is a mother of a bullied kid to do?

[After the Tiger there are some links with more information on bullying prevention and intervention, including a video with First Lady Michelle Obama on the Ellen Show discussing our culture of violence and bullying]

bengal-tiger-why-matter_7341043

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-and-suicide.html

http://www.ellentv.com/videos/1-7ns4crf4/

http://www.wcsh6.com/video/3461775972001/1/Mom-arrested-after-encouraging-daughter-to-fight

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92 thoughts on “Mom gets arrested for telling daughter to “Use your fists and fight.”

  1. Erica T-F says:

    Bullying is a subject matter that has conflicting outcomes. Bullying has definitely gotten out of control and on one hand, the parent can try to be proactive by contacting the school or the other parent (least likely to happen) to notify them about whats going on. Lots of times the school will call both parties to the office and find out what is going on; however, that does not stop the bullying. Emotional bullying can be more painful and stressful than physical bullying. Just the thought of the constant harassment from the other person day in and day out. I don’t condone organizing a fight between the kids, but I definitely do believe in defending yourself when it comes down to it. You can tell your kid to ignore it until they get in your face, but those constant remarks are just building up the anger of the other kid. I would also ensure that my child knows self defense tactics through karate or self defense classes, so that if it does come down to fighting they know how to handle themselves and hopefully the results of the fight will cause the other person to never want to bully another person again. Its sad that we have to teach our kids this, but we do live in a cruel world…a world where the kids are mimicking the actions of their parents. Bullying also spills over to adults attacking and killing each other after confrontations are made because of bullying their kid. Will we ever be able to resolve bullying? No, but we can at least try to educate more people to stop bullying.

    • Erica-very thoughtful comments, thanks! And you make a great point, far too many adults are bullies so of course the kids see that as accepted and even glorified way of behaving.

  2. Taylr T. says:

    I have a 10 year old sister who is the smallest and skinniest in her class but has the biggest mouth. She sometimes has an issue with other people picking on her and I’ve expressed to her that if she ever has a problem, to come to me and I’ll handle it. Was that the best advice? Probably not because my version of handling anyone who is bullying her will not end well for the other person. The thing is what do you do when you’ve had enough and the authorities just won’t step in? Bullying isn’t seen as top priority for those in law enforcement so when it comes to this issue so you do what you must in order to protect the ones you love when no one else will.

  3. Chris C says:

    I agree with the fact that bullying is a huge problem that needs to be fixed in our nation because of the fact that teens are ending their lives because they see it as a way to get away from their troubles. This is an extremely sad truth but unfortunately, things like this happen everyday. I agree with some of my peers have said that at the end of the day, we need to protect the ones that we hold closest to us and no one likes to see a family member being hurt or bullied by one of their peers. I know that my brother and I have been quick to physical disputes instead of solving problems in a more orderly manner, but now I realize that I would fight for him and any of my family members, and it bothers me thinking about the fact that if he were to get bullied that I would have little that I could do about it because I am 3 hours away at college. Fortunately, he is fairly big for his age and does not need to worry about anyone bullying and although I hope he never has to come to violence, I am sure that he would be more than able to protect himself if the opportunity presented itself.

  4. Jarod L says:

    This is a tricky situation in my opinion and i believe there is a difference because of sex. If this was a father telling his son to fight because say he was getting picked on in class i dont think this is that big of a story, but since its’ a mother telling her daughter this went viral. This society is sending the kids the wrong message but in reality there is no way to stop it. All it takes is one bad parent and it could affect many individuals. What if this girl went around beating everyone up? Now she hasn’t only disgraced her family but injured others.

  5. Christi B says:

    I do not condone violence. I think that this mom was wrong to encourage her daughter to start this fight. There are other ways to stand up for yourself. However, I do believe that if someone comes up to you punching and will not quit after asking. Then you should fight back. I know it may be a mixed message but in short I do not like violence and I think it should only be used in extreme cases. Bulling needs to be addressed and stopped and I believe the way to do that is to get kids to trust some adult so that they can give them advise in how to stop it properly.

  6. Ariel says:

    I feel that we need to do more to stop bullying; however, I do not believe we are handling it the right way. Instead of focusing on harsh punishments for bulling, I think we need to work harder to make sure children are confident. Most kids are bullying others out of self-esteem issues. If we work to correct this (letting them know they do not have to look like models), we will get a lot further than we are now. Additionally, I think adults need to focus on bettering themselves instead of material things. Kids feel pressured to have the best and most update wardrobe, car, and electronics. I certainly feel like they get that from adults.

  7. Allison M says:

    I was bullied extensively when I moved to a very small private school in the sixth grade. These girls were taught to be mean because their moms are mean. My mother also taught me, “meanness raises meanness.” In the years since, I have thought about what makes some kids be so brutal and why the pick the victims they do. I’ve always thought that bullies picked on the kids they were jealous of, for one reason or another and they didn’t know any other way to handle it. They also choose the very sweet, innocent and seemingly weak kids. I would never tell my eight year old sister to hit the girl that was bullying her, but if that girl hit her, I would definitely tell her to stick up for herself. My sister is very tiny but strong. If some girl hit her and she hit back, it would show the bullies that she’s not as weak as she looks. Bullies need somebody to put them in their place, knock them off their pedestal, it should be a firm adult in an appropriate way, but we all know that that’s not always going to happen. We need to quit psychoanalyzing the bullies and start talking to the victims; find out what they’re thinking, why they think they’re being bullied and how they feel about themselves. Yes, bullies need to be pulled away from the mean mentality but all children should be being taught how be confident and encourage each other. Easier said than done, but we could at least try. With kids, it’s always worth a try, especially when suicide rates are as high as they are now.

    • Allison-excellent points, you are right, we probably spend way too much time analyzing why when it comes to bullying and not enough on the targets of the bullies. Experts seem to think that kids “go negative” to get attention and any attention is better than none, maybe we enable bullying by giving the bullies too much attention to your point-

  8. taylor d says:

    I may come from a different viewpoint than many people because I have been bigger than many of my peers for as long as I can remember and I got in my fair share of fights from the school yards to football field and even leading me to getting involved in boxing and MMA. I see no issue with anyone especially a parent telling their child that if they want people to quite picking on them then they should take care of it and make it so that the person doing the bullying will no longer see them as one who can be bullied. If the day ever comes that I am in this situation I would give my child the same advice.

  9. Savanna G says:

    I don’t think that this woman was right to tell her daughter to use her fists but I can understand her frustration if her daughter was really being bullied by this girl. My little sister was bullied in middle school and after a while my parents had enough and confronted the parents. The bullies mom said that her daughter would never do anything like that even though this girl had written stuff about my sister on social media. I cant imagine my parents frustration and I could have honestly seen my mom saying something like that to my sister if this girl had hit her. Sometimes a bully doesn’t know what if feels like to be made fun of and they never learn their lesson. For the case with the mother fighting her daughters bully is un-called for but maybe now that girl will keep her mouth shut. I watched a video of her being interviewed on the news and she said something about when this usually happens the parent asks how this can be resolved. So I don’t think this was this girls first rodeo at bullying… If I got punched in the face by someones mom I wouldn’t open my mouth again!

  10. Cynthia H says:

    As a young child, I recall my father telling me to hit back. Basically, I was told that if someone put their hands on me, that I was to fight back and defend myself…..I would have probably got a spanking if I hadn’t followed through with this. As luck would have it, I never had to use my fist. I did have to stand up to a few potential altercations though. I suppose when they seen that I was not going to just sit there and take it, they backed down. So what to do in this day and age? As an adult, I wouldn’t allow someone to beat on me. I wouldn’t expect my daughter to either. Interesting to think about the mixed messages the children are getting. When I was coming up it was the wrestle manias and such, and now it is ultimate fighting and video games. As you said, these folks get paid to fight. It’s contradictory to then tell children to keep their hands to themselves. Interesting read and thoughts. Thanks!

  11. Cassidy C. says:

    Bullying makes me cringe. My mother and father always taught me that bullying was wrong and that when you are bullied, if you are, try not to let it get to you. People bully to get reactions out of others and see how far they can push the person before they hit their breaking point. I was also told to never start a fight, but if someone ever hit me, don’t allow it and take up for yourself. Thankfully I was never bullied, but I understood what being bullied was and what it meant to take up for yourself rather than fighting out of anger to make it stop. I have cousins that are bullied and it breaks my heart, makes me mad, and I wonder why people have such hate in their heart. Is it the way they were brought up? Is it that they just need to pick on others to feel better about who they are? Or is it that they are just plain mean and always will be? Either way, personally, I think it comes down to the parents teaching their children self respect and knowing who they are and who God says they are, His child. Teaching children to have the mind set that people can say ugly things to them, but not letting it define who they are and how they react to different situations will go a long way.

  12. Sarah D says:

    The answer to bullying I believe within the bully and not in the response of the victim. It seems to me teaching your child to fight back or not to fight back is a troubling and complex decision as a parent. On one hand you want to set the example to your children that violence and slander are by large majority the wrong solution. however, I can see the perspective of the parent that cringes at the idea of someone verbally and physically abusing their child.

  13. Steve D says:

    In my opinion, violence is never the answer. Fight clubs and the prominence of the mixed martial arts has driven a society that sees this as a healthy form of exercise. Bullying certainly needs more visibility with law enforcement, and the educational leaders need more latitude to deal with this issue. Teaching young people assertiveness and standing up for themselves is important. I just feel that we’ve crossed the line when we condone violence to resolve disputes.

    We should all be reminded of the power of non-violent change.

    • :) says:

      I dated and almost married this abusive man. He was into mixed martial arts at his gym. Nothing competitive. He just loved to fight. He did through all his years in high school. And in his twenties. He is now in his late forties. When we were engaged, he was teaching his 7 & 9 year old daughters at dinner how to really punch someone so they could inflict enough pain. Ya so shortly within the coming months I broke it off with him and took myself and my own daughter away from a very scary family. Now his daughters are the only ones I know of who have engaged in fist fights in middle school. He says the other opponents deserved what they got coming to them. Just like all abusive men tell their new victim. He is mentally unstable and is inflicting horrible morals to his kids. He should be held accountable as a bully too.

  14. Casey H says:

    I never agree with encouraging violence, especially when it comes to children. There could have been other ways to react to the bullying other than to fight. That being said, I don’t feel the mother should have been arrested. In some cases, you do have to stick up for yourself. I don’t think the mother should have encouraged her to do so, but I don’t think she should be arrested for telling her bullied daughter to defend herself. The phrases she used are completely wrong though, she shouldn’t have used those words. I felt if it were her son it’d be the “Boys will be boys” excuse. I think because it was two girls fighting it is seen as more cruel.

  15. Luke V. says:

    I do no think this women was right to encourage her daughter to fight the other girl, however I also recognize that if I was put into a similar situation I could not simply take a pacifistic approach either. There reaches a point were you must stand up and take action. Also remember that this article is attempting to convey its message from one perspective and we don’t have the entire story behind what really happened. Also I’m not really sure what MMA and violent video games has to do with this particular indecent. The author makes several argumentative leaps which imply that a culture of violence has sent mixed messages to children and young adults when the actual reasons for these types of events are a multitude of many factors including self-esteem, parenting, behavioral disorders, and many others. This same argument that video games and increased reporting of violent events in the media has led to higher rates of violence in children has been raging on since the 1980’s and empirical support for this idea has been unfounded. Actually most studies have found that rates of violent crimes for youth in the U.S. have been steadily decreasing since about 1995, which is about the same time that video games began to become mass produced and more popular. The casual link between the two has not been supported so why are we still bringing this idea up over and over again? But anyway I do agree that bullying is a problem but instead of violence we may want to take an approach that teaches parents, victims, and bullies what causes this problem and just how serious it can become. Intervention programs, counseling, mentor programs, and as some have mentioned other activities that simply get children involved in supervised activities where they can’t bully other children might all help to combat this issue.

  16. Karen P W says:

    It is very hypocritical, especially for a nation founded on the ability and willingness to lie, cheat, steal, and destroy anyone who seems less aggressive or demanding. Corporations bully consumers and then demand their loyalty through the rhetoric of patriotism. Some people even regard bullying as a right of passage and think the bullied is being too sensitive when she or he does not accept their role in the “relationship.” (Have you ever seen Disney’s Phineas and Ferb in which the only child of color is constantly bullied by the heavyset white boy and none of the other children defend the bullied or confront the bully? Yet, Disney haa a huge campaign against bullying during the commercial breaks! Shame on you, Disney!)

    Unfortunately, these days when an individual decides he or she has had enough, the response is not merely a fight in the playground after school. It is a statement meant to shatter the lives of not only the bully, but all who were present during the incidents whether they were partakers or not. Sadly, humanity’s prevalent nature is to compete and dominate before it is to communicate and collaborate.

    • Karen-I have and actually wrote to the Parents television council to complain. Not only do they glorify the bullying they even had one episode where supposedly the victim kid missed the “attention” from the bully. Awful message!

  17. Lisa S says:

    As a parent myself, this is one of the challenges I am sure I will face while raising my children. There are so many issues going on in relation to a parent instructing their child to retaliate with violence. Since her daughter had been bullied for two years, I wonder if the parent felt that violence was the last resort. One of the bigger issues, is that teachers and school administrators are not equipped with the tools to handle the issue of bullying. Also, we now live in a society where neighbors do not know each other, so with no commonality parents have become defensive of their territory, which are their children. Therefore, it has become increasing difficult for one parent to discuss with another parent that their child may be displaying “bad” behavior. In addition, we are the parental generation that did not receive help with bullying, therefore we are also not equipped with the tools to share productive advise with our children. Until parent, teachers, and community organizations are willing to work together, even if their child is the bully, we may not see significant progress on this subject. Some where along the way, mean has become the new “cool”.
    (Non-Profit Mgt)

  18. Tinisha S. says:

    Bullying has become outrages over the last decade, so much that the topic has made headlines and the outcome of anti-bullying campaigns. Although it is deemed wrong to promote violence, I for one is not against the actions of the mother. I do hope that the mother considered all other option before resulting to violence, but in some cases that is the only way to resolve the issue. Bullying has been a difficult topic that has several grey areas especially in the prevention of bullying. Bullying is only taken serious by the authorities when it propose a harmful threat to the bully or the person being targeted by the bully; resulting in harmful acts against the bully or worst suicide of the person being bullied. It is evident that this is matter that needs to be tackled head on, but where to start is the question. The blame is not just on the parents, but society as whole for giving constricting views about violence. The media and some business pray on violence as a source of income. Society has given the impression that violence is good when it pertains to generating a profit, but is considered to be bad when used as self-defense mechanism to save one’s life, which can be quite confusing to a child when making decision pertaining to bullying situations.

  19. Marquis S says:

    I grew up in the South Bronx, New York. And so did my parents. It was a very rough area to live in growing up. You could experience violence inside as well as outside of the school. I can recall numerous stories told to me by my father in which he had to fight someone in school or otherwise face being robbed on a daily basis or beaten. He was even robbed of his sneakers at school in the bathroom. No place was safe. There was one particular bully who he ran from every day in fear. This bully was far bigger and stronger than anyone else. One day, my father’s father noticed that he ran into the house trying to flee the bully. My grandfather told my father that he had two options. My father could either go back outside and fight the bully or he would have to fight my grandfather. Motivated by my grandfather’s “tough love” approach, my father immediately ran outside and fought the bully and won the fight, never to be bullied by him again and never to be bullied by anyone else because of the respect he’d gained from winning the fight.

    Sometimes it seems as though with bullies, violence and physical aggression is the only solution that they will understand. It seems to be the only thing that will send the message that they cannot continue bullying someone. However, this is a different time and age where violence presents a lose-lose situation. Kids are resorting to weapons and gun violence. Who’s to say that if a child being bullied decides to stand up and fight back physically, that the bully won’t pull out a weapon? Who’s to say that the child being bullied won’t bring a weapon to school after the turmoil they’ve faced for months of being bullied? Who’s to say that if the child being bullied defends himself or herself from the bully, that they won’t have to then live in fear of the bully retaliating with even more violence and a weapon?

    Our society has become so violent and aggressive that there are no boundaries. And that is the root of the problem with bullying in schools. Children come out of the womb innocent. They know nothing but the basic instincts with which to live. Everything that they learn from that point on is based upon what is around them. And the bullying in our schools is simply a reflection of our society. So as this article suggests, maybe we should focus more on creating a more peaceful society for our children to learn from. Maybe we should model peace so that our children will have a better example. And maybe just then, the school violence will take care of itself.

  20. Sharriette Finley says:

    I can certainly agree that we’ve all been bullied. I believe that children have to be taught to stand up for themselves. Children who stand up for themselves in appropriate ways will grow into adults who stand up for themselves in appropriate ways. Though a parent shouldn’t plan a fight, if a fight presents itself, the parent has to encourage their child to fight back. Sometimes, fighting back is with your fists. Other times it may be in the court system. In the world of work, we may need Human Resources to intervene. The bottom line is that a bully should not be allowed to continue in their behavior. By any appropriate and effective means necessary, we need to be unified in putting an end to bullying.

  21. Jacki G says:

    I do not think the mother handled this situation as best as she could but I do think she was acting out of motherly instinct. I was bullied in middle school and highschool. It was never physical, but girls have a much different way of bullying other girls. They can be manipulative, cunning, and often are very passive aggressive and only the victim really understands what is going on. I remember being excessively bullied by teammates. We were all freshman and I was the only one invited to the prom. Their behavior towards me was unreal. I was not boastful in anyway about it; actually I was rather shy and tried to not make a big deal about it. They continued to ostracize me at school, practice, during games, and other social events. I would go home and tell my own mom everything and I am sure thoughts went through her head that were similar to the mom of the story. My mom would tell me she was calling their parents and I begged and pleaded with everything I had to prevent her because that would only result in more bullying. Female bullying has interested me so much that I wrote quite a few papers on the topic in undergrad. Boys and men typically engage in more aggressive and direct altercations while female aggressors are much less obvious but in many ways more painful. Cyberbullying has become another way for bullies, male and female, to get away with this behavior anonymously. I don’t think the mom should have been arrested. Was her advice appropriate? Maybe not. But how many of us would be arrested every day for acting inappropriately? The sad thing about this is that the mom is made out to be “crazy” and the bullies walk away with attention- probably what they wanted all along. I do think society should take more measures to stop this problem.

  22. Christie S says:

    This is a tough situation for any parent. You can only tell you child to turn their cheek so many times but there is always to sides to a story. I think bullies pick on people that they think are weak and will not defend themselves. The mom probably should have taken legal action getting a restraining order rather than teaching he child to use violence. Bullying needs to be addressed further in schools and within the government. This is an issue that will continue to increase and needs more attention.

  23. Thomas R says:

    I have always been an advocate of standing up for yourself. Every situation is different and I am not condoning one side or the other. I think there is way too much of this tattle tailing going on and kids need to stand up for themselves. Does this always end with a clinched fist and a bloody nose? No I don’t think it has to. Kids need to be taught from an early age to stand up for themselves and if something is bothering they should confront the other person about it in as non-violent way as possible. But if there is an instance where a kid is physically bullying another kid, then different action needs to be taken. I was always told to defend myself and that’s what I did. But if you are a kid and you are physically being abused, you need to take action. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Like I said every situation is different and I don’t know about this mom and her child. This is just my philosophy on bullying.

  24. CL C says:

    I was raised to turn the other cheek. I didn’t like this direction and was often bullied in high school. At one point, I was tired of getting hit and pushed and cursed at and before I knew it, grab the bully and slammed her against the locker. I will never forget that moment that took place over 35 years ago. Interestingly, I found myself at the school for my daughter who somehow became the school bully. She would always reply that it was the other person. I talked and talked to her regarding her behavior and she said that people shouldn’t look at her or say anything to her. On one hand, I was proud that she was standing up for herself, on the other hand I felt that it was extreme behavior. I do not support bullying, however, I feel that the young lady would have eventually found herself fighting back, with or without her mom’s encouragement. At least that’s how my situation ended and somehow she relays to me as a friend to this day. And I keep thinking……I remember when……………

  25. Tori S says:

    I was always taught to defend myself if someone ever put their hands on me. My younger brother, who is 8, had another little boy bully him recently. Although my brother’s bully never laid a hand on him, my mom would always tell him that he would not be in trouble at home if he defended himself. I feel that we need to teach our kids to not bully in the first place, and that if in the event they are being physically bullied, that it is okay to defend themselves. Obviously, I’m not trying to say that they should smash eachother’s faces in the concrete, but it should be enough for the one being bullied to protect themselves and get to a safe place to tell an adult.

  26. Chris D says:

    This is truly a sticky subject now that I have three young children of my own. First and foremost I want to make sure my kids know that bullying is NOT okay under any circumstances. I stress the importance of communication to ensure that they understand what bullying is, while teaching the value of empathy. I encourage them to be confident with themselves and their abilities, while at the same time insisting that they show caring and compassion towards others. The challenge, I believe, is keeping the communication lines open.

  27. Savianna T says:

    Sadly, I would have to say that I would also be in trouble for telling my daughter to fight if it came down to it. Schools love to run around saying they are anti-bullying and have all these posters but what do they do when bullying is happening in their schools? They send them to the office for a conversation? Basically, they do nothing. Bullies are not affected by talking to adults because when it comes down to the action the adults are nowhere around. Then you have the police who easily dismiss the situation and say that can’t do nothing about it. So what option are you left with? Guess? Either beating the kid up yourself for threatening your child or telling your child to beat them up. Now being of common sense, it would probably be best your child does it out of pure fairness and to be completely honest if my child was being bullied to the extent that I hear about these days, I may follow rules for a little while but if there is no change I would absolutely tell my child to fight back. That is absolutely crazy to allow another child to bully your child and watch nobody do anything. Hell I might need to fight the urge not to hit the kid myself. It is so crazy to me how people don’t take bullying as serious until it happens to one of their own or they just don’t take it seriously at all. They think it is just kids being kids or some other social factor that I find inappropriate no matter what the reasoning is. Now, I don’t want to sound like I would just go around causing harm to children on promoting violence but I firmly believe that bullying should be taken seriously and before sending a mom to jail, who can be justified, if all possible steps were taken to eliminate the bullying from other sources and she still tried to initiate a fight anyway. Then, I could understand sending the mom to jail but if no one has tried to help the child, which a lot of times is the case, then its fair game in my opinion. Good thing my daughter is only 2 and she naturally is aggressive so no one would want to bully her anyway 🙂

  28. Theodora says:

    In high school there was a beautiful girl that I liked to bully and make fun of. One time I tried to steal here new Keds in gym class in the opening days of a new school year. She grabbed my wrist and put me in a painful wrist hold which brought me to the ground. I started crying and was completely helpless. My girlfriend tried to help me and the bullied girl used a chop downward on her nose. She started crying and ran away sobbing. A crowd of students gathered but it was over very quickly. It was a real eye opener for me. I never bullied her or anyone else again. No one was disciplined and it was never discussed by anyone. My point is that sometimes the only way to stop bullying is to defend yourself. Part of self defense is embarrassment and we were embarrassed and ashamed. I really have to advocate judo, karate and other forms of self defense training to supplement parental and administrative involvement. As a mean girl, no one could have talked me out of bullying. I had to be taught a lesson. For the record, the bullied girl today is a successful lawyer.

  29. Angel Maxwell says:

    I find this very depressing how this is even an argument to entertain, and because it is I should be grateful my mother wasn’t caught on camera when I had gotten into a fight in 3rd grade. I actually suffered from a bully in 3rd grade and actually got picked on and beat up. Went back home to tell my mother what had happened and she dragged me back to “redeem” myself because I didn’t throw a punch. Although the result didn’t change and I got beat up twice that day, I learned a valuable lesson that my mother wanted me to learn; to stand up for myself regardless of the outcome because that won’t be the last time I confront a force that will expect me to back down. Now fortunately I’ll never have to cross paths with him again, I learned just as many children will not have the opportunity to learn. As this article suggest, we do not encourage violence, but rather those perceived as inferior to stand up for themselves. This is just overall unfortunate that whistle-blowing may be the next alternative towards having our (future) children standing up to bullies. Either that or we all become marketing majors and stimulate our economy through the promoting a fight for our children to stand up to bullies.

    Angel,

  30. “What’s a mother of a bullied child to do?” For starters, women need to have FATHERS in their kid’s lives, who are not ashamed to be men, and if the mothers aren’t willing or able to teach their kids how to PROTECT themselves, the father needs to do it. As you said, bullies attack the weak, and the best way to have stronger children (physically and otherwise) is for feminists and women who hate men and masculinity to stop cutting fathers out of kids lives, and undermining fathers who actually try to teach their kids how to defend themselves, so nobody will bother them. NOT doing that, especially when you’re living in an area where a lot of bullying goes on (or areas with high crime rates, etc), is a form of child neglect bordering on child abuse IMO. One of the main purposes and responsibilities of parents is to teach their children how to survive and prosper in the world without them-and that includes the ability to protect themselves and stay safe when the parent’s aren’t there to do it for them. Teach your kids how to defend themselves/KICK ASS when someone tries to hurt them, then hope they’ll rarely need to use what you’ve taught them, but at least you’ll have the peace of not having to worry that they’re not EQUIPPED to defend themselves, bc you never bothered to teach them!!!

    • Eleanor says:

      I was always so grateful to the Sisters at my Catholic HIgh School for providing us a mandatory course titled “Basic judo and self defense”. It lasted about 25 hours over many weeks and was taught using a text by Bruce Tegner (I just Googled that). I remember we had to wear traditional gray sweat suits and white boat sneakers for the uniform. All the girls really learned a great deal of self defense. One time I was challenged by another girl on a public tennis court near my home. She slapped me. I was able to use a “come-a-long” hold to walk her to a crowd of people for help. She was in tears and ran away. My problem was with the mother’s admonishment to use “fists”. More young girls need the formal training of the science of self defense. I worked with my fourteen year old daughter over many weekends using the Tegner text and I am glad she has the knowledge. I hope she never has to use it but if she ever does, I want her to know how to come out on top.

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