February 18, 2014 by gregrabidoux2013
South Carolina, as the whole world has known for some time now, is all kinds of green with envy and red-hot jealous of its bitter rival to the North. “They” (as in North Carolina) are home to NCAA powerhouses like Duke University (the Dukies) and the Tar Heels of UNC. Those “Northerners” have professional teams like the NFL Carolina Panthers, the NBA Charlotte Bobcats, the NHL Carolina Hurricanes and even a pro Lacrosse team called the Charlotte Hounds.
Those Carolinians to the North have the uber-cool Charlotte Motor Speedway, the Biltmore estate and it’s rumored that the Wright Brothers were set to test their newly invented flying machine in what they thought was South Carolina but got confused with which state has Charlotte and which one has Charleston (and really, whom among us still isn’t sure which has which?).
But now South Carolina, in an attempt to be known as more than just the Carolina state with the Gamecocks has boldly staked its claim to something before its rival to the North (finally)….
That’s right, South Carolina is apparently pulling out all the stops to ensure its fine state is indeed a VHS-Late-Movie-Rental Free Zone. All of you no good, lazy VHS Tape rental violators who never returned your movie for whatever lame excuse you had at the time, the S.C. “Po-Po” is knocking down your door next. And you hipsters with your new-fangled DVD movie diskettes (probably smuggled in to our state from NC) are next on our priority list.
Don’t believe me?
Ms. Kayla Michelle Finley, a proud South Carolinian who is now very likely thinking of moving to North Carolina, voluntarily walked into the Pickens County Sheriff’s department to report a crime. A real crime. Fearing for her well-being and safety, she sought to press charges of harassment and stalking against a male who was victimizing her.
But apparently, the men in beige at the Sheriff’s department spotted an even more egregious criminal oversight. And they quickly sprang into action to ensure justice was served.
They cuffed Kayla and tossed her in the pokey (jail) for having an overdue VHS movie tape rental. Seems Kayla, aka, “Movie-Mastermind,” rented Monster-In-Law in 2005 for her home viewing pleasure. Counting Kayla, this cinematic slip-up, starring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda, was seen by about 4 people. And three of them didn’t have to pay.
Didn’t matter. The law is the law to the boys in beige in Pickens County. And apparently, there’s no statute of limitations on such a heinous crime. Not in these parts friend. And don’t even try squirming from the law’s firm grasp with the excuse that the VHS Movie rental store you rented it from is no longer in business. It isn’t (well, of course a VHS movie rental store is no longer in business!) but that doesn’t excuse the flagrant law-breaking, rebel without a cause, sheer North Carolina-style thuggery exhibited by Kayla Michelle Finley.
Future generations of outlaws will reverently refer to her as “KMF the VHS Bandit.” Or, simply, KMF. But today, she belongs to Johnny-Law.
We can all breathe easier now.
South Carolina has sent a loud and clear message to its rival-neighbors up North. We’ve had enough. We may not have the Dukies, or pro sports (even though you patronize us by calling your teams “Carolina”) and we may even confuse Charleston at times with Charlotte as well, but we have taken a stand.
From this point forward, South Carolina is a Late Movie Rental Free Zone. All you movie rental law-breakers are no longer welcome. Go North. But stay out of the real Carolina.
I sincerely hope Ms. Finley gets at least as much attention for those other, pesky, what were they again, oh yes, harassment and stalking charges she wanted to press as she did for her own unforgivable crime.
Being late with her movie rental?
No. Renting Monster-in-Law in the first place. A North Carolinian would have known better.