Black Friday Fun for the Whole Family. Assault and Battery Included.


November 29, 2013 by gregrabidoux2013

BF shopers 2013

First one to the cash register survives. This round at least.

Forget going to the new Hunger Games movie. You want real heart-stopping (literally), fist-pumping, adrenaline filled action? Well, welcome to the Black Friday Shopping Games.

Nothing says” Happy Day After Thanksgiving” adventure quite like fistfights and knife slashes to the bone while parking your SUV or waiting in line to be the first to enjoy “door-buster” specials. Nothing says savor the memory of having shared pumpkin pie with your loved ones just a few precious hours before quite like gunfire and shots to the fleshy part of your leg until you drop the large screen TY you just stood in line for four hours to buy at a mouth-watering 30% discount. (above incidents are all real-life violence reported so far at retail stores in NJ, CA, WV and Las Vegas, NV).

What, you say you can’t afford to bring the little ones to Disney theme parks this year (and really, who can?)? Well, bring ’em to the “rollercoaster-rides” at places like Wal-Mart where you get to see real thrills and chills like a police officer being dragged hundreds of feet by a get-away shoplifter who then gets shot by another officer and finally slumps behind the wheel of his vehicle in a Chicago-area Wal-Mart parking lot. And the best part? It’s totally free entertainment for the whole family. Forget “Assassin Creed 3” this type of fun requires no pricey apps or bulky video-games.

BF fights

One day our grandkids will delight at how Grandpa fought off rival shoppers and got the very last Lego

Yep, it’s holiday shopping season again in America. Like a yule-tide egg-nog with a generous dash of Jim Beam it warms the cockles of your heart doesn’t it? Unless, that warmth you are feeling is actually another flesh wound from unfriendly gunfire from a rival shopper intent on getting that last Belgian waffle-maker. Of which, they will use approximately “0” times before they attempt to sell it at a yard sale.


No ever really uses me. I belong on the island of misfit toys.

No matter. It’s profits not need that really count on bloody, er, black Friday. Early returns indicate that with stores opening on Thanksgiving Day at places like your neighborhood Wal-Mart (family time?, please, by the first half of the Packers-Lions game you wanted to leave anyways) and many retailers across the nation opening as early as 5:00 am today (November 29th) it could be an overall healthy day for capitalism. Not so much perhaps, for victims of shopper frenzy violence but let’s try and keep the big picture in mind.

We have an ailing economy to fix, and with this year Thanksgiving falling later than usual, retail giants have less shopping days until the big one (Santy Claus) makes his way down chimneys. Besides, as former President G.W. made clear to American citizen-shoppers everywhere, “Do your part in the war on terrorism, go shop and buy lots of stuff” (or words to that effect). “Hey, I just saved 5 bucks on a Furby toy, take that would-be terrorist!” I’m not just a greedy, materialistic son of a coupon-cutting gun, I am a real patriot. My avarice-driven guilt is melting away like yesterday’s butter-ball Turkey, feeling better already.

santa claus

Thank goodness I have my own toy factory. Those Black Friday crowds are mostly naughty and not very nice.

Of course, there are always profit-making party-poopers who want to spoil the holiday cheer. Do-gooder folks who would actually have us miss out on huge door-buster discounts to, I guess, make some greater cosmic point about worker exploitation and how we are actually subsidizing China when we don’t yammer for more Made in the USA goodies. Last year there were about 1,000 protests over Black Friday in about 46 states and 100 cities. Most of these targeted not at Target stores but Wal-Mart for its notorious treatment of workers, wage control policies and healthcare practices. More planned this year.

Still, Wal-Mart claimed that 2012 was its best ever BF with over 10 million register transactions. And what did shoppers still under the influence of turkey-tryptophan wooziness gobble up with all of their hard-earned cash? Well, at Wal-Mart stores alone they wrestled away about 1.8 million towels (we, Americans are nothing else if not clean), 1.3 million TVs (so we don’t miss a single ad for upcoming Christmas shopping specials) and 250,000 bicycles (we won’t use them of course, biking sans motor or public transit are for those non-shopping European pansy-pies).

BF sales

Towels, I need more towels. And bikes I’ll never ride. yes, and TVs, one for every room. Yes, I do feel the Black Friday rush!

What a Thanksgiving cash-cornucopia for all our conglomerate pals. Maybe, all of this sleep deprivation, waiting in lines, fist-fights, car chases, even taking a bullet (or 2) for a memorable Black Friday will be truly worth it after all.

Still, if it’s all the same to my fellow patriotic super-shoppers I think I will join the 53% of Americans who say they will stay at home and shop the new-fashioned way. You know, on-line. I hear that some places even deliver for free. America, what a country indeed.


PS: Wondering what Cockles are? Well, your heart chambers resemble the cockles of chambers of a Mollusk. Yes, Virginia, that’s where the “cockles of my heart” saying came from. Enjoy.






18 thoughts on “Black Friday Fun for the Whole Family. Assault and Battery Included.

  1. Tyler Roop says:

    What has the world come to? Do we honestly need to kill each other over simple items that we could easily get at a relatively decent time like 9am? I think that the whole Black Friday thing is blown way out of proportion. My family was also part of the 53% who shopped online. Most of the deals can be viewed days in advanced and if you are a member of Amazon Prime, then you can actually get free 2-day shipping on anything that they sell so why not stay indoors. It is interesting to me to see such violence after we give thanks for our friends, family and of course the amazing food of Thanksgiving. Did anyone else go out and explore the world of retail this morning?

  2. Tywandra Rahming says:

    Black Friday may have some of the best deals but I refuse to get into a fight and risk getting killed over 30 percent. True it is amazing entertainment to watch someone get beat up over a towel, but the violence is highly irrelevant. I feel it’s safe to say that I am part of the 53 percent of Americans that stayed home today. Honestly I feel that Black Friday is just a day for some people to let off anger while shopping.

  3. Justin Nelson says:

    ill have to admit, i thought about going Black Friday shopping. They did have some good deals but the more i thought about it, the more i was saying to myself maybe i should just stay home. and glad i did! my mother went and when she got home i was hearing about fights going on for some really ridiculous items. a little later, we went online and found the same deals as if we were in the store. some even better. lets just say my mother was furious and exhausted. i will for now on and the rest off my life be part of that 53 percent to stay home. i think its just ridiculous to get shot over an item you may use once or twice and then store it in the attic for the rest of its life.

  4. Megan Carter says:

    I personally feel like Black Friday is ridiculous. I saw something the other day that read ” Only in America will people stand in line and fist fight and get trampled on, the morning after giving thanks for what they already have.” and I thought that it fit pretty well. I understand that people enjoy shopping when there are great deals, but is it really worth risking your life? There are good deals, the whole weekend after thanksgiving, so why risk getting stabbed, shot, or killed at Black Friday. It is crazy that someone would go to the extreme of killing or hurting someone just to pay less for something that they honestly probably don’t even need. I am perfectly fine with paying a little more for something, than going to Black Friday and putting myself in danger, just to get a better deal.

  5. Danielle Penn says:

    I’ve been black Friday shopping before and seen the fights that happen. It is so ridiculous that people get so aggressive over saving a few dollars on stuff they really don’t need, stuff that they are probably just buying because its 50% off. I know I decided this year I would shop online and guess what, the same exact deals only I didn’t have to wait in line for hours and fight the crowds. I was done in a matter of 15 minutes and got to spend the rest of my day in a much more pleasing environment (no fighting, yelling, etc.) .

  6. Senovia Bryant says:

    Black friday has its pros and cons. I thought about going to black friday but once I researched it I found out that most of everything that are on the shelves are ripoff and low quality good that appeals to people who wants nice things but don’t want to pay for it. Black friday is describe perfectly in this above article. Black friday is not worth losing my leg nor going to jail.I will stick to cyber monday, same deals, less hassle.

  7. Senovia Bryant says:

    Black friday is describe perfectly in the above article. It’s not worth going to jail or getting shot over. On top of limited supply and hundreds of people its low quality goods that people don’t take the time to research. I all stick to cyber monday, same goods, less hassle.

  8. Abby Stacey says:

    I think its absolutely CRAZY that people go out for Black Friday, my parents have never done it & so of course neither have I or my brother or sister. I honestly never even knew what Black Friday was until last year. It’s getting crazier and crazier every year, with more casualties every year as well. A funny thing to think about is that only in America do we celebrate the people in our lives and we are supposedly “so thankful” for everything we have, and exactly one day after (sometimes only hours after our dinner) we go out and fight with each other over things we want and don’t already have. I thought the holiday season was all about being happy and grateful.. not in our society. Not to mention, most of the time stores and businesses raise the prices and then they put a 30% discount on something so you really think you’re getting a deal but you’re not, at all. People should channel their aggressiveness into taking food to the Salvation Army or feeding the homeless a Thanksgiving dinner.

  9. Virginia Harnevious says:

    It’s disgusting to think that the same people who pass the Salvation Army bells without doing as much as dropping a nickel into the bucket can be found the very next morning waiting in line to spend hundreds on things they don’t even need. The question to really ask is what encourages people to do this? Is it the repeating and seemingly cheery adds that give everyone that “get up and go” attitude on Black Friday? Americans spend all year complaining “I don’t get enough rest” or “Man, if I just had a day off,” but as soon as that crazy day rolls around nobody has a problem waking up at 3:00 am, heck they don’t even have a problem with camping outside of BestBuy on concrete for days just to save a buck. I wish there was that amount of hype and enthusiasm for giving to the poor or placing presents under the tree for little ones who don’t even have a good pair of shoes. Maybe instead of spending thousands to market those so-called “great sales” we could spend thousands in donations. Maybe if we put that much effort into our community and helping those in it, we wouldn’t have people eager to exchange a stab for a better spot in line.

  10. Deysla Reyes says:

    BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING is like a horror movie! All those fist pumping; knife stabbing and shots; it definitely sounds like an action movie!!To me shopping online is much better; now with advanced technology and with the touch of a button I can order my black Friday shopping online and have it delivered straight to my door and for free! I rather stay home and shop in the peace and tranquility of my house; and not be rushing in stores; waiting for long lines or not being able to walk through because of crowds. Prices of products are surprisingly affordable and you get save a lot! But we get to spend much more because products have discount we go overboard with our spending. I tend to buy stuff I don’t need and might never use. Black Friday shopping always ends with me regretting all the money I spent.

  11. Shantell Chambliss says:

    Black Friday is supposed to be a chance for us to take the opportunity the government gave us to be able to do affordable shopping, not cause harm to one another. Black Friday is worldwide and includes all stores, which means there’s plenty to go around. The trampling and fighting over items is overrated, that’s why I just stay home to avoid the confrontation.

  12. Carla Paige says:

    I think, in this sense, that we as a people have become so consumed with wealth and greed that we are forgetting morals and humanity. The fact that there were deaths, from what I read, in America this past Black Friday, is absolutely unacceptable. That isn’t people lost in a war of some sort or some natural disaster or some illness that swept over our land. This is from the insincere fact that people will lose all of their morals for something that isn’t even near in comparison to someone’s life. From the countless number of videos I’ve watched with people fighting over items offered at a discount, I’ve came to the conclusion that the very thing that determines our success, money, is the same thing that’s making us unsuccessful in the balance of population. I think the idea is a nice thing, but people are taking advantage of the fact that just a day before this sale we were giving thanks for everything and everyone and then that’s contradicted with some senseless actions. It’s sad and it hurts to know that that much value is being placed on senseless things. We don’t deserve desks when there are lives at stake in the process of receiving that discount. But the event lives up to its name most definitely.

  13. Jasmine Reid says:

    My first real Black Friday experience was last year when I had a job in a retail store at my local mall. I had always heard crazy stories about people being killed or hurt on Black Friday. I never really thought that people actually acted completely insane to get a couple of good sales. Don’t get me wrong Black Friday sales especially at midnight are extremely good. Which is the main reason why so many people decide to go shopping that day. Black Friday creates a good amount of money for stores and for their employees. As an employee who worked on Black Friday the customers were rude and very impatient and didn’t take in consideration that most employees on Black Friday work over 10 hours. But to me it was worth it because of the paycheck I had gotten that weekend. I personally think Black Friday will always be around and if you decide to go shopping that day you should be prepared for what could happen.

  14. Jermaine G says:

    Black Friday is a great opportunity for less fortunate people and everybody else to catch great deals on items. I think its crazy how people misuse it and how something that should be all about happiness can turn violent so quick.

  15. Casey Holcom says:

    It’s a shame that Black Friday is starting late Thursday night at some locations now. It’s taking away the togetherness that Thanksgiving promotes. That being said I’ve done it the past two years and usually go when things start to die down and it’s been fun. The idea of waiting half a day to save a few bucks is disheartening but if you have nothing better to do then I suppose there’s no harm. The violence for saving a little cash though is just ridiculous on so many levels.

  16. hlwaits says:

    Black Friday scares me and it honestly stresses me out. I get very confused on why it is so important to stay up all night surrounded by a bunch of people to be one of the first customers in Walmart to get a television for twenty percent off. I have wondered if it is just a competitive type situation and people just want to feel that rush of being the first ones in or the first customers to get a free plastic cup. Whatever the reason, I will never understand. My family one year decided it would be a great idea to go to the black Friday sale at Target. My mother and aunt had quite a few gifts to get from there and thought it would be an experience. That was the first time they had ever went to a black Friday sale. We arrived around midnight to sit on the curb of the Albany Target for over 6 hours. We were pushed into the store and honestly were so confused on all the craziness that we did not get ONE thing that we were in the store for. I would say black Friday was not a success story. Especially now that stores are opening on Friday and interrupting a family holiday in order to get better deals and have better 24 hour sales. I will tell you, this girl will never sit on the Albany Target curb for six hours again…. Not worth it!

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