November 29, 2013 by gregrabidoux2013
Forget going to the new Hunger Games movie. You want real heart-stopping (literally), fist-pumping, adrenaline filled action? Well, welcome to the Black Friday Shopping Games.
Nothing says” Happy Day After Thanksgiving” adventure quite like fistfights and knife slashes to the bone while parking your SUV or waiting in line to be the first to enjoy “door-buster” specials. Nothing says savor the memory of having shared pumpkin pie with your loved ones just a few precious hours before quite like gunfire and shots to the fleshy part of your leg until you drop the large screen TY you just stood in line for four hours to buy at a mouth-watering 30% discount. (above incidents are all real-life violence reported so far at retail stores in NJ, CA, WV and Las Vegas, NV).
What, you say you can’t afford to bring the little ones to Disney theme parks this year (and really, who can?)? Well, bring ’em to the “rollercoaster-rides” at places like Wal-Mart where you get to see real thrills and chills like a police officer being dragged hundreds of feet by a get-away shoplifter who then gets shot by another officer and finally slumps behind the wheel of his vehicle in a Chicago-area Wal-Mart parking lot. And the best part? It’s totally free entertainment for the whole family. Forget “Assassin Creed 3” this type of fun requires no pricey apps or bulky video-games.
Yep, it’s holiday shopping season again in America. Like a yule-tide egg-nog with a generous dash of Jim Beam it warms the cockles of your heart doesn’t it? Unless, that warmth you are feeling is actually another flesh wound from unfriendly gunfire from a rival shopper intent on getting that last Belgian waffle-maker. Of which, they will use approximately “0” times before they attempt to sell it at a yard sale.
No matter. It’s profits not need that really count on bloody, er, black Friday. Early returns indicate that with stores opening on Thanksgiving Day at places like your neighborhood Wal-Mart (family time?, please, by the first half of the Packers-Lions game you wanted to leave anyways) and many retailers across the nation opening as early as 5:00 am today (November 29th) it could be an overall healthy day for capitalism. Not so much perhaps, for victims of shopper frenzy violence but let’s try and keep the big picture in mind.
We have an ailing economy to fix, and with this year Thanksgiving falling later than usual, retail giants have less shopping days until the big one (Santy Claus) makes his way down chimneys. Besides, as former President G.W. made clear to American citizen-shoppers everywhere, “Do your part in the war on terrorism, go shop and buy lots of stuff” (or words to that effect). “Hey, I just saved 5 bucks on a Furby toy, take that would-be terrorist!” I’m not just a greedy, materialistic son of a coupon-cutting gun, I am a real patriot. My avarice-driven guilt is melting away like yesterday’s butter-ball Turkey, feeling better already.
Of course, there are always profit-making party-poopers who want to spoil the holiday cheer. Do-gooder folks who would actually have us miss out on huge door-buster discounts to, I guess, make some greater cosmic point about worker exploitation and how we are actually subsidizing China when we don’t yammer for more Made in the USA goodies. Last year there were about 1,000 protests over Black Friday in about 46 states and 100 cities. Most of these targeted not at Target stores but Wal-Mart for its notorious treatment of workers, wage control policies and healthcare practices. More planned this year.
Still, Wal-Mart claimed that 2012 was its best ever BF with over 10 million register transactions. And what did shoppers still under the influence of turkey-tryptophan wooziness gobble up with all of their hard-earned cash? Well, at Wal-Mart stores alone they wrestled away about 1.8 million towels (we, Americans are nothing else if not clean), 1.3 million TVs (so we don’t miss a single ad for upcoming Christmas shopping specials) and 250,000 bicycles (we won’t use them of course, biking sans motor or public transit are for those non-shopping European pansy-pies).
What a Thanksgiving cash-cornucopia for all our conglomerate pals. Maybe, all of this sleep deprivation, waiting in lines, fist-fights, car chases, even taking a bullet (or 2) for a memorable Black Friday will be truly worth it after all.
Still, if it’s all the same to my fellow patriotic super-shoppers I think I will join the 53% of Americans who say they will stay at home and shop the new-fashioned way. You know, on-line. I hear that some places even deliver for free. America, what a country indeed.
PS: Wondering what Cockles are? Well, your heart chambers resemble the cockles of chambers of a Mollusk. Yes, Virginia, that’s where the “cockles of my heart” saying came from. Enjoy.